Forever In My Heart

Book 4: A New Start

by Charlene Carr

Synopsis

Tracey Sampson has finally met the man she's ready to start her life with. He's perfect.

But is she?

Struggling with the unknown and desperate for answers, Tracey embarks on a journey to reveal the secrets of a past she vowed she'd never explore.

Heartfelt and honest.

Courageous and compelling.

Forever In My Heart, book 4 in the A New Start stand-alone series, is a deep and passionate read about coming to terms with your imperfections and insecurities in order to let love in.

Click the buy button and order your copy of this captivating story today!

 

Here's what readers are saying:

 “This is my absolute favorite so far!  I couldn't stop reading it.” – Melanie, Amazon Reviewer

“Ms. Carr unfolds the story in a way that involves the reader from the first page to the last... a marvelous story that at times had me in tears, one that will stay with me for a long while.” – Betty Strohecker

“Fantastic. Superbly written with humour and seriousness side by side. Yet another book in this series I just could not put down.” – Gingermaker, Amazon Reviewer

 “Tracey's joys and struggles captivated me... I highly recommend these books for anyone looking to escape for a few hours—not to a perfect world—but to the real world with all of its joys and pain.” Kay, Goodreads Reviewer

“I really could not put this book down... [I] just ate it up. A great and inspiring story, one not to be missed!” – Sabrina-kate Eryou

“A beautifully written book about learning to trust again... I highly recommend this book.” Birdie

“Thoroughly enjoyable book. I almost missed my bus stop I was so engrossed.” – Mags SF

“I stayed up late into the night to finish this book as I was enjoying it so much. The characters are so real and they just draw you into their lives.” – D.A.C.

“This is my favorite in the series!! Charlene is amazing at pulling on your heart strings with real, relatable challenges. Love!” – Amazon Reviewer

Book Club discussion questions are available on the author's website.

Release date: December 15, 2015

Publisher: Coastal Lines

Print pages: 219

Sample

Chapter One

 

Elation. That’s what I expected at this moment. A moment that should have been filled with joy. Instead, I feel paralyzed.

“Miss, do you need any help?”

Learn to take it slow. Learn to be happy with myself first. Don’t rely on finding happiness with a man. That was my mantra. 

“We have a lot of options.”

It still is my mantra.

“Miss?”

And it’s brought me Adrian. Adrian, who makes me laugh. Adrian, who I’ve been wary with, who, amazingly, has stayed despite the way I tried to push him away, despite my fear of getting attached to someone again. I smile. Who, when I get close enough, always seems to smell faintly of cinnamon.

“Miss. Are you al—”

“Sorry?” I snap to attention. A woman stands beside me. She could be my mother. Her dark hair curls around her head. Her blouse, which has probably been pressed, fits impeccably. Her smile is both matronly and authoritative. This is a woman who appreciates and cultivates perfection. I take a step back.

“Would you like some help? It’s a nervous time, isn’t it? But exciting.” She smiles.

I glance at the shelf in front of me—the myriad of options—then back at the woman. “Yes. Thank you.” I struggle to keep my voice even, polite.

The woman wears a question on her face. Perhaps she expected elation too, when she saw me in this aisle, in front of these shelves. A glance at my hand and her smile starts to fade, then softens into sweetness. “You’ll figure it out. No matter what, it’ll be okay.” She places one hand on my shoulder and reaches to the shelf with the other. “Use this one. It’s cheapest and really they’re all pretty much the same.”

“Thank you.” I offer a smile. My normal smile. My seemingly natural smile. Inside, I crumble into a scary mess. 

En route to the cash, I almost trip over a little girl in a pink tutu style dress who walks right into me. An armload of toiletries and makeup fall to the floor. Lipstick and eyeliner, conditioner and nail polish roll between us. The girl freezes. Her lip trembles. “It’s okay.” I smile and crouch to gather the items. A quick grin coats her face as she squats to help me. In under a minute everything is safely back in her arms. She gives a little laugh, disaster averted. A young woman—her mother?—turns up the aisle and calls her away, her voice harsh and grating. I can only wonder why she’s angry—perhaps a mother who wasn’t ready to be one?

At the cash I pay, wrap the box in a bag, and stuff it to the bottom of my purse. The weight of it feels too much to carry. The pharmacy door squeaks closed and I step onto the busy foot traffic of Spring Garden Road.

Outside, I squint in the sunlight. “Tracey!” Through a halo of light, Eloise strides toward me.

 I meet her smile with my own. “Hey, lovely.” Always the one to initiate contact, I hug her, though today I’d rather run in the other direction. Eloise is one of my closest friends. I should be happy to see her. Just like I should be happy this box is in my purse—it could hold the realization of one of my earliest dreams, what I’ve always wanted. But not like this. I didn’t want this. The box sits in my mind like a rock. The thought of holding it there, while I pretend to chat happily with my friends, feels like an anchor ready to pull me under.

“I’m glad I caught you.” Eloise links her arm in mine. “I wanted to chat about some new ideas for Aspire. The girls are so excited for the district-wide conference and…”

My thoughts bounce and scatter like ping-pong balls: Eloise’s words lost among them.

She puts her hand on my arm. “You feel good about that?”

“Yeah, I mean…what?” My cheeks warm.

“Are you all right?”

“I’m sorry. I lost focus. I’m listening now.”

“I suggested we let the core girls take over the conference presentation. It would be a great way for them to put into practice the skills they’ve built these past few months.”

“Yes, absolutely.” My voice is high with enthusiasm. Too high. “That’s a perfect idea.”

Eloise pulls me to a stop as we approach the café doors. Her head tilts as her gaze narrows. “You sure you’re okay? You seem…not yourself…and pale.”

“Oh.” I wave my arm as if I’m waving away her words. “Not enough sleep last night. You know how I need my sleep.”

“Sure.” Eloise releases my arm as we turn into the café. Everyone but Allison, who is chronically late, is gathered around our usual booth. It’s been over a year since we’ve all been here. Today Autumn’s cousin Jennifer joins us as well. I smile and gush and comment on how fabulous Autumn looks, how London and her new man, Jakob, must be treating her well. The ping-ponging persists but I ignore it as best I can. The balls of thought settle as Autumn’s arms wrap around me. She hugs me as if my presence alone brings her joy.

“It’s good to have you home,” I whisper.

“It’s good to be home.” She pulls out of our embrace and joy sparkles in her eyes. She doesn’t just look good, she looks happy, which calms me. If she can be happy, it means goodness can come out of tragedy. Not that this would be a tragedy. Not at all. Autumn losing her husband the day after their marriage was a tragedy. This is…well, it’s not that.

“And my news…” Jennifer grins once the initial round of greetings and questions have died down. She pulls her flouncy shirt flat against her stomach, revealing an undeniable baby bump.

Excitement and questions explode around us, and I join right in. The only one who doesn’t act enthused is Sheila, who is generally uncomfortable around all things decidedly feminine.

“That’s so wonderful,” reiterates Eloise as we sit down. “Autumn mentioned you and Rajeev eloped a while back.”

“We sure did.” Jennifer grins. She rests a hand on her belly. Her diamond ring sparkles. “Everyone assumed we had a shotgun wedding. Their suspicions seemed verified when I announced this little one, but she or he’s a honeymoon baby.” She shrugs. “A little too excited to remember my birth control. So, not planned,” she rubs the bump, “but very much wanted.” She takes a sip of her smoothie. “It’s kind of ridiculous, my first thought when I found out was—I’ll get fat. I can’t get fat. I was terrified!” She shakes her head. “I wasn’t even thinking about the baby, just about seeing that scale creep up.”

“Well,” says Autumn, “you weren’t planning a baby, and you worked so hard—”

My mind drifts again. What was my first thought when I realized it’d been almost two-and-a-half months since my last period? Fear. I have a plan, a specific plan, and for the first time in almost ten years I’m with a man who could be part of that plan. A baby right now wouldn’t necessarily ruin the plan, but it could. Adrian and I haven’t been together long. He could bolt, leaving me a single mother. I would still have a child, that true family I’ve always dreamed of…but not in the way I dreamed, not with a man I know loves me, a man who won’t leave.

I look to Jenn as she talks on, not hearing the words, but seeing her laugh, seeing how at ease she seems. This wasn’t part of her plan. From what she said, she and Rajeev wanted to wait at least two years. But they’re happy now. Elated. Exactly what I want to be.

“My ladies!” Our heads turn as Allison breezes into the café. Her red hair glistens. “Sorry I’m late.” She winks. “I was with this dreamboat of a man who wanted a few more sets.”

Autumn stands and Allison wraps her in what’s more of a tackle than an embrace.

“Well, how could you resist that?” says Eloise.

“I couldn’t. It’s been so long…” Allison slides into the booth. “You should know.” She elbows Eloise. “We’ve both had a horrendous dry spell. Look at that.” She laughs. “Three and three. So, Tracey, Autumn, Jennifer, while you catch me up on anything I’ve missed, be sure to drop some love hints to help out us single ladies.”

“I’m fine.” Eloise holds up her hands. “It’ll happen when it happens.”

“Oh, sure.” Allison groans. “You say that, but you’ve had what, a measly year and a half since anything serious? Back me up here, Sheila. You and I must be pretty neck and neck. It’s been almost three for me. What are you at?”

“Four.” Sheila’s lips form a tight, thin line. “Since anything serious, anyway.”

“Yeah, we need help.” Allison leans forward, her elbows on the table. “Who’s first? Autumn, I’m pretty up to date on you and your British love.” She turns her head toward me. “Tracey, all I know is that you’re seeing a fella. A journalist?”

“Umm, yeah,” I shift in my seat. “Eloise and Autumn already know all the details. I don’t want to bore them with a rehash.” My stomach twists. I had been excited to tell my friends all about Adrian, my first relationship to extend past three months in a decade. But what’s the point in getting them excited if whatever’s happening inside of me scares him away?

“Rehash away.” Allison offers a wink. “They can soak it in again.”

I take a breath and try to slip back into that feeling of happiness, of feeling secure in a man, to not suspect he’s cheating, or sly, or trying to pass the time. “It was at an Aspire fundraiser. He was covering it.” I smile. “So, of course he wanted to interview the founder.”

Eloise grins at me, then interrupts. “All the girls were whispering about him, how dashing he was. His broad shoulders, his burnt sienna skin.”

“Burnt sienna?” asks Allison.

Eloise laughs. “That’s what Jayden, one of the girls, referred to it as.”

“Okay, okay,” says Allison. “Go on.”

“He came over to interview me.” I look away as I remember his stride, slow but purposeful, strong and confident. His green eyes, so clear and focused. His smile, the way it grew as he got closer, as his gaze connected to mine. “Instantly I felt a little something.”

I’m in the moment again: He reached out his hand. Our skin touched. My stomach fluttered. Actually fluttered. I had always thought that was something people just said, not something that really happened.

“Just a little something?” Allison leans in farther, clearly eager to hear the story in full.

“Maybe a little more than a little.” For the second time today my cheeks warm. My whole face is probably flushed. I can’t hold back all of the excitement of those first moments. “He was so handsome, and he looked at me like I was the only woman in the room. I loved how he seemed entirely comfortable in his own skin.” I sigh inwardly as my friends’ interest piques. This is not what I wanted, them excited, not if he leaves. I shrug. “Nothing much else happened that night. He did the interview, his questions were direct, thoughtful, challenging at times. He wanted to know why the school board wouldn’t have fulfilled this need years ago if it was as much of a need as I stated.” I pause. “He stayed for the event, talked to a few of the students, then left.”

“Not playing it too forward.” Jenn grins. “A risky ploy. And then?”

“And then he called me the next day, said he needed to do some fact checking. They were ridiculous things to check. The answers were on the school board’s website. I called him out on it.” A grin erupts. “And he asked me out.”

“Nice, nice.” Allison laughs.

“And it kind of stemmed from there. Nothing too fabulous.”

“But is he fabulous?” asks Jenn.

I can’t deny it. “Yeah.” I smile at her, but that twist of fear grips me again. “He is. The other girls know I haven’t had the greatest history in the love department.”

“That’s an understatement.” Allison rolls her eyes. “After her first big love it’s been nothing but cheaters, commitment-phobes, and guys who can’t seem to keep a job.”

“Allison.” Sheila shakes her head.

“No, it’s okay.” I push out a laugh. “She’s right. And with all of those guys I knew from the start something was off. This gut feeling, you know? But I’d stick with the guy, hoping I was wrong, hoping things would work out because I wanted it to work out so badly with someone.”

I look to the table a moment. The memories pass through me. When Adrian called, it had been almost a year since I’d been on a date. Men asked, but I said no, too afraid of finding someone like the last guy—Thomas, the schoolteacher who turned me into the other woman. Still, I wanted love.

At first I said no to Adrian too, but he’d been persuasive, said we didn’t have to call it a date. He’d edged and pushed. He made me laugh. Despite what he’d said, from the moment he picked me up it was a date. And I liked it.

He got to know me, let me know him. He was curious. Open. I tried to resist his attentions, scared it couldn’t be real, scared he’d disappoint me like so many others. He didn’t let me. Three dates in he invited me to a BBQ at his brother’s house. I belonged. Seeing him laugh with them, the ease, it hooked me. He hooked me. I look up at my friends. “With Adrian I never got the feeling something was wrong. It felt right.”

“And it still does?” asks Eloise.

“Yeah. Absolutely.” I hesitate. “It still does.”

Allison breaks into an eager smile. “So, does this mean we’ll be meeting him soon? And is his brother single?”

I laugh, because I know that’s what’s expected, that’s what I’d usually do, but will they meet him? It all depends on the little box in my purse, what it has to tell, and how he reacts to it. “We’ll see. And no, I’m sorry. The brother has a lovely wife and two rambunctious kids.”

“Drat.” Allison glances around the table. “So, other news?”

Autumn mentions Jennifer’s pregnancy.

“My condolences,” says Allison. “Oh, I mean congratulations.” She winks. “No, really, that’s awesome. Super happy for you and Rajeev. Just say goodbye to sleep, sex, clean clothes, and showers for a few years.” Allison laughs. “At least that’s what my sister says. Her kid’s three, and my sis says she’s just starting to get her life back.”

“Not all kids are as rough as your sister’s was,” says Eloise. “Lori had some rough patches with Trisa, but it hasn’t been that bad.”

Allison tilts her head back and forth. “Well, your sister and her fella also have you living there to help, and then nearby your Dad and Evelyn, his parents, Junior.”

“And Jennifer and Rajeev will have a lot of support too,” says Autumn.

How much support would I have? Mom and Dad for sure. They’d be disappointed that another one of their children would be an unwed mother, but they’d embrace this child as their own, just as they embraced me. Of course, they live two hours away.

And Adrian’s family? They joke about how he needs to settle down again, nudge that I’m exactly what he needs and I shouldn’t let him forget it. He’s been married before and he left that relationship. Would a baby feel like pressure toward something he doesn’t want? Or worse, scare him away?

The talking stops. I’ve zoned out again. Each face at the table stares at me.

“What?” I let out a little laugh.

“Autumn asked if you can come to a BBQ at her parents’ place this weekend,” Sheila raps her fingers on the table, “and if you’d bring Adrian.”

“Oh, I. Yes. I can. When?”

“Saturday at three,” says Autumn.

“Fine for me.” I notice my foot tapping and stop it. “I’ll have to check with Adrian.”

“Great.”

The conversation shifts to Autumn’s business ventures in London. I attempt to listen with a focused intensity, though I’ve heard much of this already. She started off slow—one on one and small group training in people’s homes and, when the weather allows, public parks—and has enough of a following that she’s thinking of renting a small studio space several times a week.

Next the group transitions to a case Shelia is trying: a young pregnant woman filing charges of incest and statutory rape against her uncle. It’s easy to see why Sheila tends to be so reserved and distant. If she kept herself open, I have no idea how she’d deal with the world she sees on a daily basis. The story makes my fear and stress seem unwarranted. At least I’m not that girl.

Allison talks about her fitness studio, and Eloise brings everyone up to speed on the Aspire group. For this part of the conversation, I need to do more than listen. I push the constant stream of ‘what if’s’ out of my head and join Eloise in excitement and wonderment over how in a little over two years this youth empowerment program has gone from the group of ten students I’d bring into my classroom once a week for skills training and lectures from successful business women, to a program that now has Eloise as a full-time employee, two part-time workers, and involves three high schools and fifty-five young women learning the skills to either start their own business or excel in their field of choice.

When everyone is caught up, Sheila stands. “Time to head back to the office.”

Allison pops up beside her. “The gym calls me.”

“And I need a nap.” Jenn stretches. “This baby is stealing all my energy.”

Her words snap me back to the fears I’d put aside to talk about the Aspire program. In just a few hours, my life could change forever.

“I have nowhere I have to be.” Autumn turns to me.

“Neither do I.” Eloise reaches for her purse. “I got a ton of work done this morning. What about you, Trace? Should we put off the prep for a few hours, get some quality Autumn time in?”

Her question is interrupted by a round of hugs before Sheila, Allison, and Jenn all head away from the café.

“Umm…the summer program starts in a week. Do you think we have time to—”

“I’d love to catch up more.” Autumn rests her hand on my shoulder. “And…” she hesitates, “I’m worried about you.”

“You’re not yourself today.” Eloise pauses, a look of concern in her eyes. “Don’t try to hide it.”

I avoid their faces, scared of what they’ll think and scared saying the words will somehow make my fears real. But my mind is about to burst. I have to tell someone.

Autumn gives my arm a squeeze. “It’s okay.”

I take a deep breath then let the words ease out. “I think I’m pregnant.”

 

Chapter Two

 

Eloise motions us toward Victoria Park. “Are you sure you’re pregnant?”

“No.” I hesitate. “The test is in my purse.”

Eloise and Autumn sit across from me at a picnic table by the fountain. Autumn smiles. “So, you may not be pregnant.”

“I’m over a month and a half late.”

“Wow.” Eloise breathes. “And you’re just testing now?”

“Life’s been so crazy—the Aspire group blowing up, meeting Adrian, and then I just got through with all the end-of-year marking.”

“It’s totally understandable.” Autumn glances at Eloise then back to me. “But isn’t this a good thing? I mean, isn’t this what you’ve always wanted? Children. A family.”

“Yeah.” I speak evenly, refusing the whimper that tries to enter my voice. Are they judging me? Are they thinking how stupid I am for getting knocked up? This is what Eloise’s sixteen-year-old sister did. I’m thirty. I should know better. I did know better. We always used a condom. “But not like this. I wanted a husband. I wanted—”

“This isn’t nineteen-twenty.” Eloise leans forward. “You don’t have to do things in a certain order. Lot’s of women—”

“But that’s the way she wanted to do it.” Autumn reaches across the table for my hand. “It’ll be okay.”

“Will it?”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned,” says Eloise, “life has a way of working out, sometimes in ways we’d never expect it to.”

“Absolutely.” Autumn nods.

I stare at them, not knowing what to say. They’ve both lived that lesson.

“How do you think Adrian will take it?” asks Eloise.

“I have no idea.” I lay my hands on the table. “We’ve been together a while now. Over five months. But we rarely see each other more than two or three times a week. We’ve never made plans more than a week or two in advance.”

Autumn purses her lips. “Has he talked about wanting children?”

“No.”

“Has he talked about not wanting children?” asks Eloise.

“No. I’ve gotten the impression, though, that his divorce had something to do with children.”

“Really?” Autumn shifts.

“He made a comment when we were watching a movie. I tried to dig deeper, but he changed the subject. It was the first time he’s ever given me what seemed like a brush off.”

Eloise waves a hand. “Well, there’s no point hypothesizing. That could mean anything. Heck, it could have been like my situation, he’s the one who wanted kids and I’m the one who didn’t.”

“Absolutely,” says Autumn.

I sink my head into my hands and stare at the table. “I feel so stupid.”

“Don’t say that,” says Autumn. “It could happen to anyone. We all make mistakes.”

“I didn’t though, not really.”

“Hmm?”

“Well, I mean, I probably should have been on birth control or gotten an IUD or something. Extra protection, you know? But I went off of birth control after things ended with Thomas. I felt so much better off it. The chemicals must have been messing with me. So we were just using condoms and—”

Eloise leans forward. “Did one break?”

“Not to my knowledge.”

“Oh,” she leans back again, “well, you’re probably not pregnant. Those things are ninety-nine point ninety-five percent effective or something. Maybe you’re having some hormonal issues. That happens.”

“Has it happened to you?”

Autumn and Eloise shake their heads.

“I was somewhat irregular as a teenager, but I was on birth control from what…first year University? I decided to get off of it last year.”

Autumn nods. “Why don’t you do the test? All this wondering, it could be for nothing.”

“I’m scared.” If it’s positive my whole life, my whole vision of my life, won’t be what I imagined.

“We’ll go with you,” says Eloise. “Even look at the stick for you if you like.”

I laugh. “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“We can be with you, though,” says Autumn.

“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “I think if it’s…I think I’d want to be alone.”

They’re both silent. “You should do it sooner than later.” Autumn slaps her hands on the table. “Stop stressing about it. Get it over with.”

Eloise nods.

I lift my purse and shake it. “I guess I should.” I stand and Autumn and Eloise follow my lead.

“We’ll see you at the BBQ Saturday, right? Come no matter what. Even if…even if Adrian’s busy or something. You come.” Autumn reaches for a hug.

“Yeah, I’ll come.” If I am pregnant, if my life is about to change, the last thing I want to do is push these friends away. Eloise and Autumn, more than anyone else, more than my family, are the two people I’m almost never afraid will leave me.

“And call, okay? Or at least feel free to call. Do you want us to—”

I shake my head.

Eloise grasps my hand, squeezes it. I lift my arm in a wave and walk down the lawn to the sidewalk. When I glance back, the two of them still stand in the park, arms around each other’s waists, watching me.

The walk to my apartment seems long, but Autumn and Eloise are right. There could be another explanation. Women have false alarms all the time, at least according to movies and TV shows. From what I can remember, though, the women in those false alarms are a week or two late. Maybe just days. I’m a month and a half. 

A husband, a family, a white picket fence…not literally, but what that fence represents, is what I’ve always wanted. A real family. A family whose blood I share. But if Adrian leaves me, decides he wants nothing to do with me or the baby I carry…

It wouldn’t be the worst thing; I’d still have a child. My own child. I stop to lean against the brick wall of a building just a few lots down from mine and place my hand over my abdomen, like Jenn had. I can almost feel a child growing there. Blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh. Of our flesh. Would the baby have Adrian’s fervent curiosity? His boisterous laugh? His confidence? A smile creeps across my face. No, being pregnant wouldn’t be the worst thing. Whether Adrian stayed or not, I’d always have a piece of him with me and, if he did leave, I have a good job. Solid. I could provide for a baby. My mother would relish the chance to babysit and see me more often. Maybe she’d love that baby in a way I’ve never believed she could love me. Maybe seeing that love would change everything.

With a sigh, I push away from the building and continue my walk. For the first time since I realized how late my period is, that mantle of terror lifts away. This is not a tragedy. Plans are made to be altered, broken, transformed.

I expected to fall in love my first year of University. And I had. Connor. Next step was to marry shortly after graduation and two years later start a family. Only Connor didn’t want that to be his plan. So I’ve lived through new plans: teaching, the Aspire group, meeting Adrian. My life is good.

A large smile greets me in my building’s elevator mirrors. The woman staring back at me looks hopeful, or at least open to whatever the future reveals.

The test directions tell me to use ‘first morning urine,’ to get the highest concentration of ‘HCG,’ but seeing as I’d be a month and a half pregnant by now, I figure that’s not necessary. I set my timer, resolving not to look until it beeps. I brush my teeth, clean the bathroom counter, straighten my toiletries and, at last, pick up the stick. Negative.

I stare at the results, look back to the directions, sink to the edge of the tub. What do I feel? Not relief. Not sadness. Perplexed? I look again at the box, not taking in the words. Maybe first morning urine does matter. My phone buzzes. Adrian: This story is blowing up. My editor says even a feature spread may not be enough. We may hold it for a doc. My first commissioned doc! Need to follow a lead. Meet at 8 instead of 7? Promise I’ll wine and dine you right to make up for this. :)

My skin warms. A sense of security washes over me. It’s only two in the afternoon and he’s already letting me know he’ll be late and saying he’ll make up for it. Most of the men I’ve dated since Connor would send me a text five minutes after they were supposed to arrive. If I were lucky, five minutes before. I text back, No problem. Get that story! and put my phone away. Grabbing my planner, I look at my goals for the day. Finishing my portion of Aspire’s first week’s programming is top of the list. I sit at my desk to start. I can’t concentrate. After fifteen to twenty minutes of getting nothing done, I go to the nearest pharmacy and purchase another test.

During the afternoon I slip into lesson planning then make a handful of calls to women we hope will guest speak at the summer meetings. Empowering young girls—it’s a hard cause to ignore, and four out of the five women I call agree to speak. Feeling like I’ve done a good day’s work, especially as I’m technically on vacation, I make myself a tide-me-over-till-dinner meal and settle into my comfiest armchair with a book I picked up earlier this week and my cat, Toulouse, snuggled beside me.

When Adrian arrives at eight o’clock on the dot, I’m ready and eager to put aside this morning’s fears and questions for a night of fun.

“You look ravishing!” He grins. I offer him a kiss and hug, loving how broad his back feels under my hands, the way I have to rise up on tiptoe to meet his lips.

I step back, hoping the blush that rose upon seeing him has disappeared. “You look pretty ravishing yourself.”

“Well,” he pops his collar in a completely ironic way, “I had a successful day, thought I should look as dapper as I feel.”

He does look dapper, in his slim-fit khakis and pale green dress shirt. I reach for my purse, step over the threshold, and lock the door behind me. “So you caught your leads.”

“I did indeed. But before work talk, tell me about your day. Autumn’s back in town, right? You had your girl’s lunch?”

“I did.”

“And?” He opens the lobby door for me and places his hand on the small of my back as I step through. The instant he touches me this morning’s fear creeps back. What if a baby means I lose this? He looks down at me, a smile in his eyes. “Well, how was it? How is everyone? How’s Autumn?”

“She’s great.” My voice rises. “Everyone’s good. Jennifer’s pregnant.”

“Jennifer.” He rubs his chin. “She’s…”

“Autumn’s cousin.”

“Oh, okay. You know I need to meet these people at some point, put faces to the names. So there’s Eloise, who I’ve met. Autumn, who lives in England with her boyfriend, Jakob. Allison, the fitness nut—”

“Owner of a fitness studio.”

“Yeah, fitness nut,” he grins, “so nutty for fitness she opened a studio to indulge her obsession.”

“Is that how I talk about her?” I look up at him slyly, while also feeling a jolt of fear that I’ve misrepresented her. She’s a bit fitness obsessed, but she’s also so much more than that.

“No, no.” He laughs. “I’m messing with you. And then there’s Sheila, the workaholic lawyer.”

I swat him. He raises his arms. “Hey, you have actually used the term workaholic on her.”

“I guess so. I didn’t mean it like that, though. She has a really important job. And she does her job well. It’s demanding.”

“I know. Tracey,” he rests a hand on my shoulder, “relax, okay.”

“I don’t want you thinking I trash talk my friends, that’s not what—”

“I don’t think you trash talk them. You don’t. I just have a habit of clinging onto labels. I need to, especially with people I’ve never met before. When I meet them, I’ll develop other ways to keep them straight. Like Allison with the bulging muscles, who could knock me out if I ever step out of line?”

I laugh. “Not exactly. She’s probably five foot three. We’re about the same height. And I don’t know what she weighs, but her muscles are lean, not bulging. She doesn’t have a bulge on her entire body.”

He directs me up the street, away from where he usually parks his car. We must be eating local tonight. I glance up at him. “Autumn’s having a BBQ at her parent’s place Saturday. You’re welcome to come if you like.”

“Oh, I like.” He smiles like a schoolboy. “I’ll finally learn all the dirt on you. I’ll pump them for information like I’m digging for the story of a lifetime.”

I shake my head, smiling, but a shot of nervousness jolts through me. I definitely don’t want Adrian to know some aspects of my past: the wretched men, how pathetic they made me seem. The tingling fear quickly tapers off though. My friends are discreet, all except Allison. If I keep Adrian away from her and her tendency to reference my trail of bad boyfriends, all should be well.

“I’m joking.” He wraps an arm around me. “I’ll wait for you to open up. You’re worth the wait.”

He thinks I’m closed off. “Thanks.” I loop my arm around his side and squeeze gently. It’s not a crime to only show people the best parts of me, to save them from my baggage. “I’m glad you’ll be meeting them.”

“Me too.”

Several minutes up the street we stop in front of a building with a crowd of people milling around outside. I look up at Adrian. “Dinner theatre?”

“Dinner theatre.”

“Was this the plan all along?”

“Nope. I said I needed to make up for my tardiness. Good effort?”

“Good effort.” I grin as he hands over our tickets. “No press pass?”

“Nah, this a real date.” He leads me into the intimate room. The play is a comedic musical, half fanciful fun, half satire on the expectations society places on women. The food isn’t amazing, but good. With not a lot of time for conversation, I find myself ruminating again about what is or isn’t growing inside me. I look to Adrian as he laughs at the show. He’s kind and funny and smart and decidedly into me. But will that be enough?

Tomorrow morning’s test requires privacy, so I’ll need to make sure we go home separately tonight. I try to think up a valid excuse, which isn’t easy. With the exception of the Aspire Program, I’m not exactly working through the summer. I still haven’t decided which made up reason sounds best when we reach my building’s lobby.

“Early interview.” Adrian pulls me toward him.

“Oh, really?” I sigh an inward breath of relief: no excuse needed.

He kisses me long and deep, then finishes it off with a gentle peck to my forehead. “Also, you remember I’ll be out of town for the next two days at least?”

I nod.

“Even if things get drawn out, though, I’ll make sure I’m back in time for the BBQ.”

I fiddle with my keys. “It’s not that important.”

“My first invite into Tracey Sampson’s inner-sanctum. Oh, it’s important alright.” He winks. “Sleep well, my beauty.”

I smile at his corniness, then make my way toward the elevator. That’s what I need to do, sleep, and when I wake I’ll have my answer.

 

 

Chapter Three

 

I hold the stick in my hand. Still negative. I’m not pregnant. Setting the test down, I sit on the tub, my shoulders resting against the shower’s cool tile. This is good, I tell myself. Very good. It means Adrian and I have a chance to grow our relationship naturally. It means he’s less likely to leave me or stay simply out of obligation.

I wasted a night’s sleep worrying over nothing. I look at the stick again. I’ve been afraid to admit it to myself, afraid to let my feelings run wild, afraid to emotionally tie myself to a man who’s not worthy of my respect and love. But I can’t deny it: I am falling in love with Adrian. I may have already fallen. And as far as I can tell, he’s worthy.

So this is good. Not being pregnant is great news. But—I calculate the dates—it’s been seventy-three days since my last period. Could the test be wrong? If it isn’t, something else is.

I force myself to stop ruminating, make breakfast, get dressed, then call my doctor’s office. The soonest appointment is in a week and a half. I hesitate before accepting it. Most likely my period will be back by then. My mind flashes to the countless doctor’s visits when I lived in the group home—the dingy waiting room walls, the itchy chairs, the office with a damp stale smell and a hairy old man. A different case worker escorted me every time. ‘You need to get healthy,’ the case worker would say. ‘You’re here so you can be healthy and find a family.’

Only memories. My doctor’s office is nothing like that one. Its walls are pristine white, the chairs clean and comfortable, my doctor is a young, fit woman, and the room has no smell at all.

“I’ll take it.”

Over the next several days I prep for the Aspire group, read three books, go for long walks, and try to keep my mind off the mystery of my missing monthly visitor.

On Saturday the sun shines bright and the forecast tells of a perfect day. Before I’ve even knocked on Autumn’s parents’ door it swings open. Mrs. Caparelli’s smiling face greets me. “Sweetie, come in, come in!” She wraps her arms around me as she draws me into the foyer. “It’s been too long. You know I told you to visit.”

“I know.” I let her embrace warm me a moment and imagine what it must be like for Autumn to have a mother like this, so full of love and acceptance. So unconcerned. I almost trip as I stumble over shoes in front of the door. They don’t seem to bother Mrs. Caparelli a bit. Embarrassment would seep all through my mother. “Sorry, I meant to visit.”

“Mean a little harder next time.” She steps back, her lopsided grin stretched across her face. “I’m glad you’re here now. Everything good?” She looks past me toward the driveway and her smile lessens. “Autumn told me you were bringing a new friend. He couldn’t make it?”

“He’ll be here.” I push the door closed. “He’ll be late so we came separately.”

“Oh! Smart. Good to keep some independence.” She nudges me and wavers slightly. “Everyone’s out back.” Mrs. Caparelli limps her way to the back of the house, resting heavily on her cane. It’s amazing, really. Only two years ago she was in a wheelchair from a stroke that almost killed her, she couldn’t eat on her own, let alone talk, and here she is, walking.

As we pass the kitchen, Mrs. Caparelli stops. “I was on my way to get something when I saw you pull up.”

“You need help?”

“No, no. You go have fun.”

I hesitate, how can she get anything while holding the cane? Autumn’s father still works though, so she must manage on her own all the time.

“Tracey, hi!” Autumn waves from the lawn, where she and her cousin Billy set up a volleyball net.

“Hi!” I call back. Autumn’s gaze darts from me to the space surrounding me, the same question on her face that was on her mother’s lips, but she keeps silent. I smile, hoping to assure her everything is fine.

An arm wraps around my shoulder from behind. “Lori wants you to see the baby,” says Eloise. I look to the corner of the yard where Eloise’s sister and her toddler play in the shade. “I wanted to make sure you were okay before,” Eloise glances over to the mother and child then back at me, “she thrusts Trisa into your arms or something.”

“I’m okay.”

“I just meant—”

“I know.” I wave away her words. “And thank you. I’m fine.”

“I’ve been eager to ask all week. I know I shouldn’t pry…I just want you to know that I’m—”

“Looks like it was a false alarm.”

Eloise shows no reaction. “And this is…”

“Good news,” I keep my gaze toward the yard. “Of course good news.”

Her gaze rests on me. “It doesn’t sound so good.”

Beyond us, Jenn and Autumn’s brothers toss a frisbee. Lori chases Trisa. I lean on the porch railing. I want to relax, enjoy the view, but my mind’s filled with fear; it’s been creeping at the back of my mind ever since I made the doctor’s appointment. What if this late period is something big? My childhood could be coming back to haunt me. I could be sick. Very sick. “A little nervous, that’s all.” I toss Eloise a smile. “I still haven’t gotten my visitor. So I guess it’s not a guarantee it’s a false alarm. And if it is, it’s just weird.” I glance over at her. “You know?”

“How long has it been?”

“Seventy-five days.”

“It’s probably nothing.” Eloise joins me against the railing. “I’ve heard of women going three months or so. Like I said before, probably just some hormonal imbalance.”

“You’re right.” I push myself up and turn to the steps. “Probably nothing.”

“And Adrian? He couldn’t make it?” Eloise follows behind me.

“He should be here within the hour.”

Trisa’s big brown eyes light up when she sees me. Her curls bounce as she toddles over, arms outstretched. I bend down and she snuggles into my shoulder then squirms free. “How did finals go?” I ask Lori.

“Exhausting.” Lori gives a tired smile. “But pretty good. I don’t think I failed anything. Thanks again for helping me prep.”

“My pleasure.”

“It’s nice having only one class for the summer term. Trisa, don’t touch that. Dirty.” Lori shakes a finger at the girl then draws her gaze back to me. “And teaching fewer dance classes too. The summer students are way less intense than the regulars. The regulars take their intensity to summer camp.”

“Just like you did.”

“Just like I did.”

I spend the next several minutes playing with Trisa and chatting with the people who come to see her before filtering away. Without needing to look, I know when Allison has arrived. After greeting several people and expressing her excitement about volleyball, she shouts, “Look who I found!” Afraid I already know the answer, I turn to see Adrian stepping onto the back porch, grinning and scanning the crowd until his gaze finds mine. His smile broadens and my stomach drops. Allison with Adrian. Exactly what I didn’t want. Will she have mentioned my long dry spell before meeting him? Before that spell, the countless guy after guy who turned out to be, in some way or another, a dirt bag? There were a lot, too many, as I tried to find that security I’ve been longing for in a man, any man. But I’m not like that anymore. Still, will he question whether I’m the girl for him?

He waves as he’s ushered down the steps where Autumn, Sheila, Jennifer, and Autumn’s brother, Daniel, stand chatting. Based on the smile he sends me before drawing his attention to my friends, it doesn’t seem like he’s been scared off yet. I rise from my crouched position with Trisa, my gaze on Adrian. He looks at ease, not the least bit nervous. He looks like he belongs. I wait a moment more before crossing the yard.

“Interesting fella you’ve got here,” says Daniel as Adrian drapes an arm around my shoulder and kisses my temple.

“What’s he been saying?” I wrap my arm around Adrian’s waist and give a little pinch.

Adrian laughs. “Just talking about the story I’ve been working on.” He turns from me. “But I want to know about this book of yours, Jennifer. What’s it about?”

Sweaty and energized from a surprisingly competitive game of volleyball, we gather around the BBQ and picnic table to load our plates. “Yumm.” Autumn settles into the chair next to mine. “Rajeev can cook. Jennifer’s always complaining about how hard keeping her weight down is with him in the kitchen. But I’d be just fine carrying a few extra pounds if I got to have food like this every night.”

“You say that now,” Eloise takes the chair on the other side of me, “but you’d feel different as soon as the pounds piled on.”

“You’re probably right.” Autumn turns to me. “Adrian’s nice.”

I laugh. “He is.”

“And quite handsome.”

I grin.

Eloise looks sideways at me. “I don’t see any red flags.”

“You barely know him.”

“True.”

Autumn leans back in her chair and stretches her legs. “The important thing is that you don’t see any red flags, right?”

“Not yet.” I shrug.

“That’s good, Tracey. Keep your eyes open. But don’t look for them. Red flags generally pop up pretty early.”

“I know.”

Autumn leans toward me. “And I know the look of a man in love.”

“He’s not in love.” A blush works its way up my cheeks.

“Well, if not, he’s in deep like.”

Adrian sits across the yard with Rajeev, Billy, Sheila, and Autumn’s mom. Whatever story he’s telling even makes Sheila laugh. “I hope so.”

Eloise follows my gaze. “You hope so, but?”

“It’s been a heavy week.”

“Did you tell him what’s going on?” asks Autumn.

“No. I tested negative. So I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t think we’re at the point where I should tell him about unknowns.”

“I get that.” Autumn takes a bite of her Shish Kebab, pausing a moment to savour it. “That’s what’s on your mind today, then? I thought maybe a positive result was weighing on you…and that you hadn’t told him.”

“Am I that transparent?”

“Just to us.” Autumn winks. “I’m sure no one else notices.”

“Do you have any idea what may be causing the hold-up? Stress or—”

“No. None.” I pick up a carrot stick and chew heartily, my excuse to not elaborate. I decided not to look up causes online. It’d be worse to know details of all the possible degenerative diseases or genetic malfunctions that could cause a period to disappear. I swallow and turn to Autumn. “So it’s been what, four days away now? How is Jakob faring without you, and how are you faring without him?”

Autumn grins a shy grin. “Good. Good in the sense that I miss him like crazy.” She glances at her plate and her eyes glisten with a slight mist. “I was worried I wouldn’t. I was worried being here after so long away, being in all the places Matt had been, this backyard where we had our engagement party, driving past the apartment where we first made love, would bring him back…and it does bring him back. But it’s not pushing Jakob out of my mind. It’s weird, very weird, to completely love two men at the same time.” She picks up a Shish Kebab then sets it down again. “I was scared of both possibilities, that Jakob would lessen my love for Matt or Matt would lessen my love for Jakob. But it’s like they support each other.” She looks up at us. “So weird.”

I put my hand on Autumn’s shoulder and Eloise grins as she says the words I’m thinking. “So you love him.”

Autumn’s eyes widen. “Well, yeah, I…”

“You’ve never said that before. At least not to us.”

She shrugs, then her expression kind of melts. “I do. I never thought I could. I mean when Matt died I thought the ability to feel that way for someone again was dead too. And it’s not the same. It’s not better or worse the way I feel about Jakob. It’s just different. But,” she hesitates, “I’m still frightened of the anniversary, being here on the anniversary. Going to his grave.”

“We’ll go with you,” I say, “or be there afterwards, whatever you want.”

She sighs. “I want to be alone. I saw his parents the other day. They were so sweet. Happy for me, but I could tell it hurt them, knowing I was moving on with my life, in love again, when their son was…” She shakes her head. “I had them agree on separate times to go to the grave. I think they understood.”

“Of course they’d understand.”

“Jakob’s really good about it too. Patient. If it were up to him we’d be engaged by now. But he knows I’m not ready.”

“You will be someday.”

“It’s stupid, but part of me is scared if we get married something horrible will happen.”

“You can’t think like that,” says Eloise. “Follow your life as it leads you, you know? Listen to your heart and all that woo-woo stuff.” She winks.

“Yeah, you need to add that, don’t you.? Autumn laughs. “To think, Eloise Grant telling someone to listen to their heart.”

“People change,” says Eloise. “Slowly, but we change.”

“Do you ever see Moses?” asks Autumn.

Eloise takes a deep breath and shakes her head. Has she told Autumn about the relationship Moses and I almost started after they broke their engagement? Of the kiss we shared? She hasn’t brought it up since I assured her nothing was going to happen between him and me. I can’t help seeing him daily during the school year, but Eloise and I have an unspoken agreement that his name is out of bounds. “I’ve run into him a few times,” says Eloise, “while at the school for the Aspire program. That’ll stop for the summer.” She pauses. “He’s getting married next month.”

“Next month!” Autumn sucks in a breath.

I put my head down and pretend to concentrate on my food. Eloise knows. I hoped she didn’t.

“It’s good,” says Eloise. “I’m happy for him. Maybe if I’d had my little ‘woo-woo’ change of heart sooner it could have been us, but I didn’t, and I don’t regret my life.”

Autumn reaches across me to squeeze Eloise’s knee.

“And I’ve got my girls.” She shoots us a smile. “And the girls at Aspire and Lori and Trisa, Junior and Dad and,” she grins, “a young man in our apartment who was fairly insistent about getting me to agree to a cup of coffee.”

We spend the next minute or two chatting about said guy, until Mr. Caparelli suggests a bonfire and s’mores. We move our chairs to form a circle around the fire pit.

I settle into my seat then look up to see Adrian. He gestures to the chair beside me. “May I?”

“You may.”

He plops down then leans toward me and holds my head in his hands. “I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too.” I grin, still finding it hard to believe this is real, that he’s real, that he’s looking at me like this.

“I like your friends.” He takes four marshmallows from Mr. Caparelli’s bag and passes me two.

“They seem to like you.”

“And I like how much they like you.”

“How much they like me?”

“Yeah. I mean I know you’re this sweet, caring, thoughtful person. I’ve seen it with the students, I’ve seen it with me…though we’re still new, but I like seeing it with people who’ve known you for years. Who’ve probably had the chance to see you at your worst and love you anyways”

“So this was some kind of social experiment for you?” I ask, a twinkle to my eye but a knot of fear in my heart.

“Not experiment.” He reaches for two sticks, hands me one, then pauses. “It’s like you’ve finally invited me into the outer ring of your inner circle. And I like being here.”

“The outer ring of my inner circle?”

“Your family would comprise the inner ring, and then,” he points to my chest, “really opening up to me, letting me see you with nothing else blocking my view, would be the core.”

“I’ve let you see me.” I keep my voice low. “With nothing blocking your view.”

He grins, then scoots his chair closer to the fire. “That’s not the type of view I’m talking about.”

I hesitate before nudging my chair closer to his. This is new: a man who sees past the face I display for the world, who recognizes it as a face, and wants to delve deeper. Some of my closest friends don’t realize how much I withhold. A few years ago Allison commented, ‘With Tracey, what you see is what you get.’ She has no idea. My barrier, my shield: necessary companions. Yet Adrian wants past that, sees that there’s more beneath. “How did your research go? Did you get good interviews?”

Adrian turns from roasting. Our knees bump. “Not as good as I’d hoped, but a gem or two. Some quotable quotes. A couple more leads.” He lifts his stick to display his marshmallow, perfectly golden all around. “Like riding a bike.” He laughs, pulls the marshmallow off the stick, and pops the treat in his mouth.

“No chocolate and graham cracker?” asks Eloise.

“Nah, I’m all about the art of the roast.”

Allison leans over, her eyes sparkling. “All about the art, eh? I’d wager my roasting skills surpass any man’s. You up for the challenge?”

“I’m in,” Rajeev calls from across the pit.

Adrian chuckles. “Me too. Rajeev, let’s put this fiery red head in her place.”

The competition begins. They definitely like him, which is good, very good. One less stress. My missing period flows back into my mind. It could be anything, like Eloise said. Worrying is foolish.