Bess has acne on her forehead. She can’t leave it alone— smearing creams on it, tonics, alcohol, concealer. She wants to take care of that acne, conquer it. She is like our father that way. She has absorbed his work ethic and his pride in that ethic, but also his indignation when effort isn’t clearly rewarded. Bess is a Liberty print, a jar of sharpened pencils, a weekly organizer filled out in neat handwriting. She isn’t always pleasant—not at all. But she is always good.
Penny (Penelope Mirren Taft Sinclair) has a remarkable ability to make people like her, selfish though she is. They want to touch her. She is the beauty of the family, the one you’d pick out of a photograph. When Granny M was alive, she used to remark on it—the magnetism of Penny’s physical presence. “What a belle,” she’d often say, pulling Penny aside and giving her butterscotch candy.
She labeled me “a good girl” and Bess a “little helper.”
If my hair is the color of butter and Bess’s early spring sun- shine, Penny’s is cream. She is sixteen and a sleek greyhound of a person. She plays hard when she wants to. She works hard almost never. She loves beautiful things and despises the people she despises with an inflexible hatred.
Penny likes order, but in a different way than Bess does. She wants things to happen easily, without conflict. “Just be normal,” she says to me. Meaning, don’t be angry, don’t rock the boat, just go along. Signs of unrest and turmoil bother Penny. She turns cold and quiet, and that cold and quiet pro- tects her from her feelings. What I mean is, she prefers a smooth surface.
Me, I am an athlete and a narcotics addict.
A leader and a mourner.
On the outside, I am gray-eyed and butter blond, with a strong line to my jaw now, and a mouth full of braces. Pale skin, pink cheeks. A little taller than my sisters, taller than a lot of boys my age. I have the confident walk and good shoulders of an excellent softball player. I stand up in front of crowds with a smile. I fix my sisters’ problems. Those are the qualities anyone can see.
But my insides are made of seawater, warped wood, and rusty nails.