There’s nothing peaceful about dying.
Not for the person taking their last breath.
Not for the person there as witness.
Not for the people left behind.
And yet, the world doesn’t stop moving for a single second to mourn their passing. There’s no universal pause for the life that’s been extinguished. One minute, they are alive, and the next, they’re gone.
I had a romanticized version of dying before that day. I never thought it was as brutal as the reality.
I was naïve, stupid, and young.
It was my youth that made me delusional, but that day…that very moment Carrie took her last breath, I was left with the reality that those whom I loved would die someday, along with myself.
I’d forever be haunted by the sounds of the life being choked out of her. Eternally traumatized by the way she pleaded for my help with nothing except her eyes.
I was powerless to save her. Unable to do anything except comfort her. I made a promise to myself after her body finally stilled.
I’ll never allow myself to fall in love, opening my heart to someone so wide that they have the ability to destroy me from the inside out.
There was no guarantee of growing old, even though my family had seemed blessed with years well beyond the norm.
I knew every second that passed was another moment I was closer to the end. That simple fact stayed rooted in my mind for years.
I’d live life to the fullest, never tying myself down to something that could destroy me. I’d enjoy every moment, savoring new experiences. I’d lose myself in the opposite sex, forgoing emotional relationships and indulging in carnal pleasures instead.
At least, that was my goal, and I had every intention of keeping the promise I’d made to myself.
But then, she happened…
The one who had the power to destroy me if given half a chance.
The only person who made me believe the wonders of loving someone could outweigh the pain of losing them.
The one who changed everything.
And for the first time, the one I couldn’t walk away from.
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