GOOD ADVICE
IS RARER THAN RUBIES
On the last Tuesday of the month, the dawn bus, its headlamps still shining, brought Miss Rehana to the gates of the British Consulate. It arrived pushing a cloud of dust, veiling her beauty from the eyes of strangers until she descended. The bus was brightly painted in multicoloured arabesques, and on the front it said ‘MOVE OVER DARLING’ in green and gold letters; on the back it added ‘TATA-BATA’ and also ‘O.K. GOOD-LIFE’. Miss Rehana told the driver it was a beautiful bus, and he jumped down and held the door open for her, bowing theatrically as she descended.
‘Half an hour,’ he said gruffly. ‘Maybe two hours. Who knows? The sahibs are eating their breakfast.’
The dusty compound between the bus stop and the Consulate was already full of Tuesday women, some veiled, a few barefaced like Miss Rehana. They all looked frightened, and leaned heavily on the arms of uncles or brothers, who were trying to look confident. But Miss Rehana had come on her own, and did not seem at all alarmed.
Muhammad Ali, who specialised in advising the most vulnerable-looking of these weekly supplicants, found his feet leading him towards the strange, big-eyed, independent girl.
She was standing at a hot-snack stall in the little shanty-town by the edge of the compound, munching chilli-pakoras contentedly. She turned to look at him, and at close range those eyes did bad things to his digestive tract.
‘Yes, I have.’
‘Then, please, you allow me to give some advice? Small cost only.’
Miss Rehana smiled. ‘Good advice is rarer than rubies,’ she said. ‘But alas, I cannot pay. I am an orphan, not one of your wealthy ladies.’
‘Trust my grey hairs,’ Muhammad Ali urged her. ‘My advice is well tempered by experience. You will certainly find it good.’
She shook her head. ‘I tell you I am a poor potato. There are women here with male family members, all earning good wages. Go to them. Good advice should find good money.’
I am going crazy, Muhammad Ali thought, because he heard his voice telling her of its own volition, ‘Miss, I have been drawn to you by Fate. What to do? Our meeting was written. I also am a poor man only, but for you my advice comes free.’
She smiled again. ‘Then I must surely listen. When Fate sends a gift, one receives good fortune.’
Muhammad Ali put a cushion on the dusty ground. ‘Please to sit.’ She did as he asked. He sat cross-legged across the desk from her, conscious that two or three dozen pairs of male eyes were watching him enviously, that all the other shanty-town men were ogling the latest young lovely to be charmed by the old grey-hair fraud. He took a deep breath to settle himself.
‘Name, please.’
‘Miss Rehana,’ she told him. ‘Fiancée of Mustafa Dar of Bradford, London.’
‘Bradford, England,’ he corrected her gently. ‘London is a town only, like Multan or Bahawalpur. England is a great nation full of the coldest fish in the world.’
‘I see. Thank you,’ she responded gravely, so that he was unsure if she was making fun of him.
‘You have filled application form? Then let me see, please.’
She passed him a neatly folded document in a brown envelope.
‘Is it OK?’ For the first time there was a note of anxiety in her voice.
He patted the desk quite near the place where her hand rested. ‘I am certain,’ he said. ‘Wait on and I will check.’
She finished the pakoras while he scanned her papers.
‘Tip-top,’ he pronounced at length. ‘All in order.’
‘Thank you for your advice,’ she said, making as if to rise. ‘I’ll go now and wait by the gate.’
‘What are you thinking?’ he cried loudly, smiting his forehead. ‘You consider this is easy business? Just give the form and poof, with a big smile they hand over the permit? Miss Rehana, I tell you, you are entering a worse place than any police station.’
‘Is it so, truly?’ His oratory had done the trick. She was a captive audience now, and he would be able to look at her for a few moments longer.
She protested, ‘But then I will simply tell them that I, for one, am no such thing!’
Her innocence made him shiver with fear for her. She was a sparrow, he told her, and they were men with hooded eyes, like hawks. He explained that they would ask her questions, personal questions, questions such as a lady’s own brother would be too shy to ask. They would ask if she was virgin, and, if not, what her fiancé’s love-making habits were, and what secret nicknames they had invented for one another.
Muhammad Ali spoke brutally, on purpose, to lessen the shock she would feel when it, or something like it, actually happened. Her eyes remained steady, but her hands began to flutter at the edges of the desk.
He went on:
‘They will ask you how many rooms are in your family home, and what colour are the walls, and what days do you empty the rubbish. They will ask your man’s mother’s third cousin’s aunt’s step-daughter’s middle name. And all these things they have already asked your Mustafa Dar in his Bradford. And if you make one mistake, you are finished.’
‘Yes,’ she said, and he could hear her disciplining her voice. ‘And what is your advice, old man?’
They came from hundreds of miles away – he normally made sure of this before beginning to trick them – so even when they discovered they had been swindled they were unlikely to return. They went away to Sargodha or Lalukhet and began to pack, and who knows at what point they found out they had been gulled, but it was at a too-late point, anyway.
Life is hard, and an old man must live by his wits. It was not up to Muhammad Ali to have compassion for these Tuesday women.
‘Miss Rehana,’ his voice said, and he listened to it in amazement, ‘you are a rare person, a jewel, and for you I will do what I would not do for my own daughter, perhaps. One document has come into my possession that can solve all your worries at one stroke.’
‘And what is this sorcerer’s paper?’ she asked, her eyes unquestionably laughing at him now.
His voice fell low-as-low.
‘Miss Rehana, it is a British passport. Completely genuine and pukka goods. I have a good friend who will put your name and photo, and then, hey-presto, England there you come!’
Anything was possible now, on this day of his insanity. Probably he would give her the thing free-gratis, and then kick himself for a year afterwards.
Old fool, he berated himself. The oldest fools are bewitched by the youngest girls.
GOOD ADVICE
IS RARER THAN RUBIES
On the last Tuesday of the month, the dawn bus, its headlamps still shining, brought Miss Rehana to the gates of the British Consulate. It arrived pushing a cloud of dust, veiling her beauty from the eyes of strangers until she descended. The bus was brightly painted in multicoloured arabesques, and on the front it said ‘MOVE OVER DARLING’ in green and gold letters; on the back it added ‘TATA-BATA’ and also ‘O.K. GOOD-LIFE’. Miss Rehana told the driver it was a beautiful bus, and he jumped down and held the door open for her, bowing theatrically as she descended.
‘Half an hour,’ he said gruffly. ‘Maybe two hours. Who knows? The sahibs are eating their breakfast.’
The dusty compound between the bus stop and the Consulate was already full of Tuesday women, some veiled, a few barefaced like Miss Rehana. They all looked frightened, and leaned heavily on the arms of uncles or brothers, who were trying to look confident. But Miss Rehana had come on her own, and did not seem at all alarmed.
Muhammad Ali, who specialised in advising the most vulnerable-looking of these weekly supplicants, found his feet leading him towards the strange, big-eyed, independent girl.
She was standing at a hot-snack stall in the little shanty-town by the edge of the compound, munching chilli-pakoras contentedly. She turned to look at him, and at close range those eyes did bad things to his digestive tract.
‘Yes, I have.’
‘Then, please, you allow me to give some advice? Small cost only.’
Miss Rehana smiled. ‘Good advice is rarer than rubies,’ she said. ‘But alas, I cannot pay. I am an orphan, not one of your wealthy ladies.’
‘Trust my grey hairs,’ Muhammad Ali urged her. ‘My advice is well tempered by experience. You will certainly find it good.’
She shook her head. ‘I tell you I am a poor potato. There are women here with male family members, all earning good wages. Go to them. Good advice should find good money.’
I am going crazy, Muhammad Ali thought, because he heard his voice telling her of its own volition, ‘Miss, I have been drawn to you by Fate. What to do? Our meeting was written. I also am a poor man only, but for you my advice comes free.’
She smiled again. ‘Then I must surely listen. When Fate sends a gift, one receives good fortune.’
Muhammad Ali put a cushion on the dusty ground. ‘Please to sit.’ She did as he asked. He sat cross-legged across the desk from her, conscious that two or three dozen pairs of male eyes were watching him enviously, that all the other shanty-town men were ogling the latest young lovely to be charmed by the old grey-hair fraud. He took a deep breath to settle himself.
‘Name, please.’
‘Miss Rehana,’ she told him. ‘Fiancée of Mustafa Dar of Bradford, London.’
‘Bradford, England,’ he corrected her gently. ‘London is a town only, like Multan or Bahawalpur. England is a great nation full of the coldest fish in the world.’
‘I see. Thank you,’ she responded gravely, so that he was unsure if she was making fun of him.
‘You have filled application form? Then let me see, please.’
She passed him a neatly folded document in a brown envelope.
‘Is it OK?’ For the first time there was a note of anxiety in her voice.
He patted the desk quite near the place where her hand rested. ‘I am certain,’ he said. ‘Wait on and I will check.’
She finished the pakoras while he scanned her papers.
‘Tip-top,’ he pronounced at length. ‘All in order.’
‘Thank you for your advice,’ she said, making as if to rise. ‘I’ll go now and wait by the gate.’
‘What are you thinking?’ he cried loudly, smiting his forehead. ‘You consider this is easy business? Just give the form and poof, with a big smile they hand over the permit? Miss Rehana, I tell you, you are entering a worse place than any police station.’
‘Is it so, truly?’ His oratory had done the trick. She was a captive audience now, and he would be able to look at her for a few moments longer.
She protested, ‘But then I will simply tell them that I, for one, am no such thing!’
Her innocence made him shiver with fear for her. She was a sparrow, he told her, and they were men with hooded eyes, like hawks. He explained that they would ask her questions, personal questions, questions such as a lady’s own brother would be too shy to ask. They would ask if she was virgin, and, if not, what her fiancé’s love-making habits were, and what secret nicknames they had invented for one another.
Muhammad Ali spoke brutally, on purpose, to lessen the shock she would feel when it, or something like it, actually happened. Her eyes remained steady, but her hands began to flutter at the edges of the desk.
He went on:
‘They will ask you how many rooms are in your family home, and what colour are the walls, and what days do you empty the rubbish. They will ask your man’s mother’s third cousin’s aunt’s step-daughter’s middle name. And all these things they have already asked your Mustafa Dar in his Bradford. And if you make one mistake, you are finished.’
‘Yes,’ she said, and he could hear her disciplining her voice. ‘And what is your advice, old man?’
They came from hundreds of miles away – he normally made sure of this before beginning to trick them – so even when they discovered they had been swindled they were unlikely to return. They went away to Sargodha or Lalukhet and began to pack, and who knows at what point they found out they had been gulled, but it was at a too-late point, anyway.
Life is hard, and an old man must live by his wits. It was not up to Muhammad Ali to have compassion for these Tuesday women.
‘Miss Rehana,’ his voice said, and he listened to it in amazement, ‘you are a rare person, a jewel, and for you I will do what I would not do for my own daughter, perhaps. One document has come into my possession that can solve all your worries at one stroke.’
‘And what is this sorcerer’s paper?’ she asked, her eyes unquestionably laughing at him now.
His voice fell low-as-low.
‘Miss Rehana, it is a British passport. Completely genuine and pukka goods. I have a good friend who will put your name and photo, and then, hey-presto, England there you come!’
Anything was possible now, on this day of his insanity. Probably he would give her the thing free-gratis, and then kick himself for a year afterwards.
Old fool, he berated himself. The oldest fools are bewitched by the youngest girls.
‘Let me understand you,’ she was saying. ‘You are proposing I should commit a crime …’
‘Not crime,’ he interposed. ‘Facilitation.’
‘… and go to Bradford, London, illegally, and therefore justify the low opinion the Consulate sahibs have of us all. Old babuji, this is not good advice.’
‘Bradford, England,’ he corrected her mournfully. ‘You should not take my gift in such a spirit.’
‘Then how?’
‘Bibi, I am a poor fellow, and I have offered this prize because you are so beautiful. Do not spit on my generosity. Take the thing. Or else don’t take, go home, forget England, only do not go into that building and lose your dignity.’
But she was on her feet, turning away from him, walking towards the gates, where the women had begun to cluster and the lala was swearing at them to be patient or none of them would be admitted at all.
‘So be a fool,’ Muhammad Ali shouted after her. ‘What goes of my father’s if you are?’ (Meaning, what was it to him.)
She did not turn.
‘It is the curse of our people,’ he yelled. ‘We are poor, we are ignorant, and we completely refuse to learn.’
‘Hey, Muhammad Ali,’ the woman at the betel-nut stall called across to him. ‘Too bad, she likes them young.’
‘Salaam, advice wallah,’ she greeted him.
She seemed calm, and at peace with him again, and he thought, My God, ya Allah, she has pulled it off. The British sahibs also have been drowning in her eyes and she has got her passage to England.
He smiled at her hopefully. She smiled back with no trouble at all.
‘Miss Rehana Begum,’ he said, ‘felicitations, daughter, on what is obviously your hour of triumph.’
Impulsively, she took his forearm in her hand.
‘Come,’ she said. ‘Let me buy you a pakora to thank you for your advice and to apologise for my rudeness, too.’
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