Dearly Beloved

by Mary Jo Putney

Genres: Regency Romance; General Fiction; Romance

Synopsis

Love must find a way . . .



A sheltered life in the countryside has left Diana Lindsay restless to see the wider world, for both herself and the son she is raising alone. She cannot marry, but perhaps as a courtesan she will find love and protection despite her painful past. Gathering her courage, she moves to London—and finds herself the city's most desired woman, as admired for her charm as for her beauty. But it is one man who captivates her—handsome, haunted, and harboring a secret as deep as her own . . .



Bound by the sins of his youth, Gervase Brandelin, the Viscount St. Aubyn, has spent his adulthood seeking redemption through service to England. Now a spymaster, he can allow nothing to distract him from his duty. But when he meets Diana, his burdens seem to lift. Though she can never truly be his alone, their genuine love fills him with hope, until a treacherous deceit—and a deadly enemy—threatens to tear them apart forever . . .

Release date: June 25, 2019

Publisher: Zebra Books

Print pages: 455

Sample

Yorkshire, January 1806

The wind blows without ceasing on the high Yorkshire moors, in the spring bright with promise, in the summer soft as a lover’s caress, in the autumn haunted with regret. Now, in the depths of winter, the wind was ice-edged and bleak, teasing the shutters, threatening the doors, taunting the impermanence of all man-made structures. But High Tor Cottage had held firm against the wind for hundreds of seasons, and its thick stone walls were a warm haven for those sheltered within.

As her son’s lashes fluttered over his dazed lapis-blue eyes, Diana Lindsay gently touched his dark hair, feeling the spun-silk texture before settling in the bedside chair to wait until he was soundly asleep. Most days, as she dealt with the demands and occasional irritations of an active five-year-old, her love for Geoffrey was not on the surface of her mind, but at times like this, when he had suffered a bad seizure, she was so filled with tenderness that she ached with knowing how precious life was, and how fragile. For all the worry and occasional despair it occasioned, her son’s disorder gave Diana a greater appreciation of the wonder that was a child.

When Geoffrey’s breathing was steady, Diana rose to leave the room. She could have spent all night quietly watching him, yet to do so would be mere indulgence on her part. Even now, years before he would leave her to make his own way in the world, Diana knew how hard it would be to release him when the time came. Walking out this night was just one more of a thousand small disciplines she performed in preparation for the day when Geoffrey would belong to himself more than to her.

As she walked from her son’s small bedchamber into the hall, she heard the wind beginning to gust, the windows rattling to protest the oncoming storm. Though it was only four in the afternoon, the light was almost gone and she could not see the small farm shed across the yard when she looked out.

Usually Diana enjoyed the winter storms, loving the solitude and peace of the high moors when the weather was too harsh for trips to the village. It made her feel safe, for if the inhabitants of the cottage could not get out, surely no dangers could get in. Security was a fair compensation for the lonely simplicity of life in this remote corner of Yorkshire.

Diana brewed herself a cup of tea and sat down to savor the solitude. The third member of the household, Edith Brown, was suffering from a heavy winter cold and Diana had packed her off to bed for a rest before supper.

Edith was officially housekeeper, but she was equally friend and teacher. The women shared all the tasks of the household, from cooking and milking to child-rearing.

There was no need for Diana to rush to the milking. Apart from that and a little mending, there were no other chores and she would be free to spend the evening reading or quietly playing the piano.

The prospect should have pleased her, but tonight she felt restless without understanding why. The solid gray stone walls had stood firm against the wind for over two hundred years, and there was food and fuel enough for weeks if need be.

Yet still she found herself crossing to the window to gaze out, seeing only whirling snowflakes. Absently brushing strands of dark chestnut hair from her face, she tried to analyze her deep sense of unease. Over the years she had learned that such feelings could be ignored only at her peril. The last time she had felt a warning this strong, Geoffrey had been two years old. Diana had thought he was napping, and then blind panic had driven her frantically from the house barely in time to pull her son from the stream where he had crept out to play, and where he had slipped into a drowning pool.

Just remembering the incident made her heart beat more quickly, and she made herself sit down again in her Windsor chair by the fire. Closing her eyes and relaxing, she tried to analyze what she felt, patiently sorting out the threads of concern for Edith and Geoffrey and the other minor worries of daily life. What was left was a hazy, unfamiliar perception that she was hard-pressed to name. It wasn’t danger that approached; she was sure nothing threatened her small household.

But she felt in her bones that something, or someone, was coming with the storm. Diana’s fingers tightened around each other, and she forced herself once more to relax. In a flash of intuition she realized that what approached was something she both feared and welcomed: change.

Madeline Gainford had been born and bred here on the rooftop of England, but she’d forgotten how bitterly the wind blew. She had been only seventeen when she left, and her blood had pulsed with the fires of youth.

Now she was past forty, and when the carter had set her down on the small village common of Cleveden, her home village looked strange to her. Yet Cleveden itself had changed very little. The differences were all in her.

The cart had been nearly full and the driver allowed her to bring only the small soft bag now slung over her shoulder. She had left her trunk at an inn in Leyburn, not wanting to wait for different transport because the coming storm might have trapped her for days among strangers. And more than anything else on earth, Madeline had wanted to die among friends.

She pulled her fur-lined cloak tightly around her as if she could blot out the aching unpleasantness of the interview she had just had with her widowed sister. They had been friends once, until Madeline had left home in disgrace. The occasional letters the two women exchanged had been terse and to the point, but Madeline thought she had sent back enough money over the years to buy a welcome back into her family home. Isabel had been widowed early, and had it not been for the funds Madeline sent, it would have been hard times for her and her four children.

When Isabel opened the door, her body had stiffened at the sight of her younger sister, her expression of surprise quickly followed by anger and disgust. In a few vicious sentences, Isabel Wolfe had made it clear that while she had graciously accepted her sister’s conscience money, she would not let her children be corrupted by having a whore under her own roof.

Her last bitter words still rang in Madeline’s ears: You made your own bed, and a whole legion of men have lain in it.

Madeline would not have thought words could hurt so much, but then, she had never been called a whore by her own sister. Only now that the hope was gone did she realize how much she had counted on finding refuge here. Her despair and pain were so great that she might have crumpled to the ground where she stood if the impulse to escape had not been stronger.

Shelter could be bought in one of the other cottages, but there was no point to it, no point at all. Why buy a few more months of increasingly painful life surrounded by disapproving strangers?

Slinging the strap of her bag across her shoulder, Madeline continued walking uphill along the rough track that followed the stream to the top of the dale. As a child she had followed this path when she could escape her chores, finding empty dells where she could dream of a world beyond Cleveden. It was only fitting that she escape along this track for the last time.

The wind sharpened outside the shelter of the cottages, and icy snowflakes bit her face before whirling down to whiten the ground. Though it was almost dark, the meager available light diffused through the snow to lend a soft glow to her progress. In spite of the years that had passed, Madeline recognized the moist heaviness of air that heralded a major blizzard, the kind that could cut off the high country for days or weeks.

Madeline had heard that freezing was a painless way to die, though she wondered who had come back from the grave to recommend it. The thought produced a faint smile and she was glad that a ghost of humor was left to her. It had been foolish to hope Isabel would be different than she was, and Madeline had no strength left for recriminations.

It was surprising how far she was able to walk before fatigue finally stopped her in the protection of one of the few stubby trees, her tired body slowly sinking to the ground. She could have chosen a tree nearer the village, but she had always preferred action to waiting, and even now that was true.

The snow was beginning to drift, and its silence was as pure as she remembered from childhood. The warm, heavy folds of her cloak cushioned the hard earth. She had missed the snow. There was little in London, and it never stayed clean for long. And of course London was never quiet.

Resting her back against the tree trunk, Madeline closed her eyes against the night and wondered how long it would be until she fell into the final sleep. One was supposed to see scenes from one’s life when dying, but mostly she thought of Nicholas. In her mind she could see the hurt and the anger that would have been etched on his thin face when he discovered that she was gone.

He would attempt to find her, but apart from her lawyer, no one knew where she had gone, or even where she had come from in the beginning. A courtesan never burdened her protector with the mundane details of childhood.

For the first time she felt tears on her face, icy in the bitter wind. There had been more than business between her and Nicholas or she would not have gone away. But if she had stayed in London, he would never let her dismiss him, and she had her pride. The thought of him watching her waste away, losing what remnants of beauty she had, was unbearable.

Nicholas might have abandoned her, which would have hurt dreadfully. Much more likely, he would have remained with her to the end. The agony on his face would have multiplied her own hurt. Far worse would be knowing the intolerably high price he would be paying to watch his mistress die. Loving him, she could not ask that he pay it.

Her breath escaped in a sob and Madeline pressed a hand to her breast, uncertain whether the pain there was physical or emotional. The lump was hard under her fingers and she dropped her hand, unwilling to feel the alien growth that was eating her life away. Soon it would no longer matter whether the pain was in her body or in her spirit.

Only the soughing wind broke the silence, and there was all the peace one could wish for. Her dark blue cloak was now frosted with white and she wondered absently if anyone would find the pouch of jewels and gold slung under her dress, or whether animals would scatter her bones first.

Better that a needy person find her treasure trove and use it than have it go to Isabel. After all, Madeline thought with dry amusement, she didn’t want to corrupt her sister any more than she already had.

There was a certain poetry in the image of the ravaged beauty dying peacefully alone in the snow. It was one of life’s anticlimaxes, that as the long minutes passed and strength returned, Madeline found she wasn’t ready to die just yet. Had she been the sort to give up easily, she would have died in a workhouse before she was twenty. Waiting for death turned out to be a bloody boring business, and she had never welcomed boredom.

There was a little breath available for laughing at herself as Madeline grasped the lowest tree branch to pull her chilled body upright. Her feet were entirely numb and she had doubtless left her change of heart too late. She would never make it back to the village and there were few houses out this way. Still, she would try.

Vaguely she remembered a cottage that had been inhabited by an old lady when she herself was a child. After the old woman died, High Tor Cottage had been left vacant. Perhaps it was still empty, although surely even it was too far.

But there was no other possible shelter. Madeline continued along the track, now nearly invisible under the snow. She doubted that she would find shelter, did not even really care. But at least the Reaper would have to work to cut her down; she’d be damned if she would do the job for him.

Of course, Isabel would say she was damned already.

It was full dark when Diana stepped outside to go to the shed and the vicious wind shoved her back against the door, snatching the warm breath from her mouth. She clung to the doorknob as she peered into the swirling snow, where visibility was no more than an arm’s length. Thank heaven Edith insisted that during the winter they tie a guide rope between house and shed. The rope was essential tonight and Diana followed it slowly, sliding her left hand along as she carried a lantern in her right. The snow was more than ankle-deep and had drifted against the shed door, making it difficult to pull open.

In the shed, the animals’ bodies produced an agreeable warmth and there were soft clucks from the chickens as Diana entered. She hung the lantern on a ceiling hook and stripped off her gloves to begin milking. As she rubbed warmth into her hands, she scanned the rough stone walls, checking that everything was in its proper place.

Edith had educated Diana as if she were a child, introducing her to the cows with the assurance that the beasts meant no harm, for all they were so large. Diana had come to enjoy the pungent smell of healthy livestock that blended with the fragrant sweetness of summer hay.

The wind worsened while she was milking, and it grabbed her as she stepped outside, nearly spilling the pail of milk. Diana edged her way carefully along the rope with the pail in one hand and the lantern in the other. She had reached the back door when she heard the voice above the wind. She almost dismissed it as just another sound of the wild night, but it came again as she opened the door.

Diana gazed into the darkness, seeing nothing but swirling flurries of snow. Surely it was only the wind, crying around the buildings.

As she stepped into the house, the cry came again, this time hauntingly human. She halted. Though she risked being lost in moments if she ventured into the snow, she could not leave any creature to die in the storm.

After a moment’s thought, Diana put the milk pail inside the back door, then returned to the shed. She kept a good supply of rope, and she was able to knot together a line perhaps a hundred yards in length.

She went outside again, the rope in her left hand, the lantern held high. Pitching her voice against the wind, she called, “Is anyone there?”

Once more the cry came twisting along the wind, so Diana felt her way down the track toward the voice. The lantern was useless to illuminate the formless drifts beneath her feet, so she held it high above her head, hoping it might be visible to anyone approaching. Even on her own land, it was nearly impossible to find her way through the blinding whiteness. Once she stumbled to her knees, barely saving the lantern from smashing to the ground.

At the end of the rope, she waved the lantern and called until her voice hoarsened. Just when she was ready to give up, a dark shape reeled out of the night, a woman swathed in a hooded cloak. Diana put an arm around the frail exhausted body and pitched her voice to carry over the piercing wind. “Can you keep walking? It’s not far.”

The woman nodded and straightened herself with obvious effort, then took hold of her rescuer’s arm. The journey seemed endless in the bitter cold and Diana was numb to the bone by the time they reached the shed. God only knew how the other woman kept moving. How far could she have come on such a night?

The last hundred feet was accomplished at a snail’s pace, and Diana was near collapse as she dragged the two of them into the kitchen. Alerted by the unusual sounds, Edith was entering the kitchen, hastily tying her robe. “Diana, what on earth . . . ?”

“I heard her calling when I finished milking. She must have seen the lantern,” Diana gasped, lowering the woman onto a chair by the fire. Even frosted with snow, the richness of the velvet cloak was obvious. What was a lady doing out on such a night?

Diana pushed her hood back and leaned against the wall by the wide stone fireplace, working to catch her breath. She had never been so grateful for the welcoming warmth of her spacious kitchen, gleaming with copper pans and scented with braids of onions and bunched herbs that hung from the ceiling.

Faced with an emergency, Edith was swift and sure as she set water to heat, peeled off the snow-encrusted cloak, and gently began chafing the visitor’s white hands. When the water reached the boil, she brewed tea, adding sugar and a generous dollop of brandy.

The housekeeper was near fifty, her grayed hair falling in a braid over the shoulder of her dark green dressing gown, her austere features marred by a livid scar across the left cheek. She was a woman of few words, but those held wisdom, and there was kindness behind her fierce visage.

Diana wrapped cold fingers around the hot mug Edith gave her, grateful for the internal and external warmth it provided. Then the housekeeper spooned some of the mixture down the woman from the storm. The stranger choked at first, but soon was sipping from the mug Edith held to her lips.

Diana studied her visitor curiously as tendrils of steam curled from the saturated cloak. The woman was too thin, but she must have been a great beauty in her youth. The oval face was still lovely in early middle age and her dark brown hair showed only a little silver. She was nearly unconscious and her large brown eyes showed dazed incomprehension.

“Put her in my bed,” Diana said, her voice faint even in her own ears. “I’ll lie down with Geoffrey.”

She finished her tea and made her way upstairs, knowing Edith would do what was needful. Shivering, she stripped to her shift and crawled into Geoffrey’s bed. His warm, almost-six-year-old body snuggled against her, and soon she was adrift in dreams.

If Madeline hadn’t seen her past life when sitting under the tree waiting to die, she made up for it in her feverish dreams. She alternated between raging, helpless nightmares and occasional periods of semi-consciousness when she was vaguely aware of female voices. Gentle hands fed her and gave her medicine, sponging her when she was drenched with sweat, wrapping her with blankets when she shook with chills.

Then she was lucid, so weak she could barely raise her hand from the bed, but free of the racking chest pains. She was in a small room with whitewashed stone walls. It was night, and the only light came from a candle on the bedside table. First she fixed her eyes on the flame, then gradually extended her focus to the woman sewing beyond the light.

Madeline’s first thought was that she was still dreaming, or perhaps she had died. After death, did one wake up in heaven with an angelic guide? It must be so, because the woman by the bed was surely the most beautiful being Madeline had ever seen. But one wouldn’t expect an angel to be so ripely erotic. More likely Madeline had gone in the other direction.

Hearing her patient’s movement, the young woman looked up, revealing eyes the intense, mesmerizing blue of lapis lazuli. Flawless, exquisitely sculpted features were set in a heart-shaped face, and her rich hair shone with the burnished red-brown of true chestnut. The plain, practical blue wool dress could not disguise a small-boned figure that combined slimness with a lavishness of curves that would command a fortune in London.

Madeline chided herself for her vulgar thoughts. While the woman had a beauty and sensuality that could match or surpass any demirep in England, the perfect face glowed with the unstudied sweetness and innocence of a Madonna.

Seeing her patient’s eyes open, the young woman smiled and set her sewing aside. “You’re back now, aren’t you? We were very worried.”

Her low voice was as lovely as the rest of her. Though her dark, high-necked dress had a Quaker’s simplicity, her manner and speech would not have been out of place in a London drawing room. “Would you like something to drink?”

Madeline nodded, conscious of the dryness of her throat. The woman raised her and held a mug of tea to her lips. Its honey-sweetened taste was soothing. After several sips, Madeline whispered, “Thank you. That is much better.”

The young woman laid her back on the pillows and set the glass down. Anticipating Madeline’s questions, she said, “My name is Diana Lindsay and you’re at High Tor Cottage, near Cleveden. You’ve been feverish for three days.”

“The last thing I remember was seeing a light through the snow and trying to find it. Was that you?”

Diana nodded. “I was out milking. When I left the barn, I heard you call out and went to investigate.”

It was hard to imagine such a lovely creature milking cows, but the hand on Madeline’s forehead did not have the silky softness of a woman unused to manual labor. “Surely you don’t live alone here?”

“No, my son and housekeeper live here also.”

Unusual to find a household in this remote place without a man, but Madeline was too tired even for curiosity. She whispered, “My name is Madeline Gainford and I grew up in Cleveden. I had come back . . .”

Her voice trailed off, lacking the strength to explain why she had been out in the storm.

Diana’s lovely face shadowed with concern. “Hush now, and rest. There will be time to talk later.”

Obediently Madeline closed her eyes and drifted off again. This time there were no troubling dreams.

It was morning before the patient woke again. Diana entered the room to find Madeline Gainford just opening her eyes. At this time of day sunshine flooded the room with warmth and the whitewashed walls glowed. The older woman’s gaze scanned the oak chest and wardrobe, the oval hooked rug and pretty watercolors of flowers. Though it must seem humble after what she was accustomed to, her face showed no disdain.

Diana said, “Would you like something to eat?” At her visitor’s nod, she went to the kitchen and returned with a steaming bowl of richly flavored cream soup, thick with small pieces of chicken and leek. After propping her patient up on the pillows, Diana spoon-fed her like an infant.

When the bowl was empty, Madeline said, “Thank you, Mrs. Lindsay. You are very kind.” Her voice was stronger now and there was healthy color in her face. Edith had braided the dark hair and dressed her in a white flannel nightgown. Her large brown eyes were calm, though there was sadness in their depths. “I don’t know how to thank you. I would have died in the storm.”

“Much better this way,” Diana said with a smile. “It would have been unnerving to find your body during the spring thaw.”

That drew a smile in response. Diana had been right that the visitor had been a beauty in her youth; when she smiled, she was still beautiful. Madeline’s dark eyes met her hostess’s gaze squarely. “If you can get a wagon from the village, I will leave. I shouldn’t be here.” She sighed and her gaze shifted away. “I never wanted to be a burden to anyone.”

“The roads won’t be passable for some time, so there is no need to rush. Don’t worry about being a burden. You’re the most interesting event here in years.” Diana hesitated before succumbing to curiosity. “Why were you lost in the storm?”

Madeline’s eyes closed and she looked sad and tired. Her voice almost a whisper, she said, “I wasn’t lost. I wanted to die.” When the dark brown eyes opened, she gazed past Diana. “Then I decided it was too soon . . . I’m not ready yet.”

She added in a flat voice, “I am dying, you see. I came back to Cleveden to be with my family, but my sister wouldn’t let me into the house.” She pressed her hand to her breast with the absentness of habitual gesture before finishing less steadily, “What I have is not infectious. Your household is in no danger from me.”

The words and gesture told Diana all she needed to know about the disease. “Why did your sister not want you?”

Madeline paused, and Diana wondered if she would refuse to answer, or would lie. Doubt and regret were reflected in the thin face before her expression became resolute. When she replied, Diana knew the truth had won out.

Instead of answering directly, the visitor said, “You must have found the pouch I wore under my dress.” When Diana nodded, Madeline continued. “Did you open it?”

“No. Shall I get it for you?” At Madeline’s nod, Diana crossed to the oak chest and took out the small, heavy leather pouch Madeline had carried. Diana and Edith had discussed opening it, but decided not to do so unless their visitor succumbed to the lung fever.

“You can look now.”

Diana untied the leather thong and opened the pouch to find a number of irregularly shaped objects wrapped in velvet. Diana unwrapped the package on top, then gasped as a magnificent necklace spilled out of her hand, the interlaced gold chains set with huge rubies that flared bloodred in the sunshine.

The next velvet packet revealed brilliant sapphire earrings with blue fire in the depths. Her eyes wide and startled, Diana continued unwrapping until her lap blazed with barbaric splendor, with diamonds and emeralds and opals and other gems she could not name, all in superbly wrought settings. They were jewels a queen might wear. She lifted her gaze to her visitor.

Madeline smiled without humor. “They weren’t stolen. Whatever my other sins, I’m not a thief.”

“I didn’t think you were,” Diana said.

Madeline’s gaze focused on a splash of sunlight on the wall as she said in a voice empty of expression, “I earned those the only way a woman can, though most would say it isn’t honest work. My sister didn’t want me corrupting her household.”

It took Diana a long moment to understand what Madeline meant. Even then, she could not connect what she knew of prostitution with this frail woman whose slim hands knotted on the quilt, who waited bleakly to be condemned.

The idea of selling one’s body was alien and repugnant, yet Madeline herself was neither of those things. Diana held silence until she was sure her voice would be composed. “Who is your sister?”

“Isabel Wolfe.”

“Really?” Diana knew the name, though they had never met; the Widow Wolfe would cross the street if she saw Diana coming, as if proximity would contaminate her virtuous self. Studying Madeline’s face, Diana shook her head. “I see little resemblance. Is she much older than you?”

Madeline stared at her, surprised by the mundane question. “Only three years older.” She sighed. “It’s hard to imagine now, but she was pretty once. She was always rather . . . righteous, though not so bad as she is now. But I can’t blame her for not wanting a whore in her house.”

Though the words were said in a matter-of-fact voice, Diana could see the tension in Madeline’s body.

Did the older woman think her hostess had not comprehended the earlier oblique reference and was making sure there was no misunderstanding? It was an act of courage and honesty, and Diana warmed to both qualities. She sensed no wickedness in Madeline, no matter what her past. Actually, Diana was fascinated to meet someone who had lived in such an unimaginable way.

Diana would have asked more questions, but her guest’s face was gray with fatigue. Rewrapping the jewels in their velvet, Diana said dryly, “Perhaps you can’t blame her, but I can. For a woman who prides herself on her virtue, your sister failed the test for Christian charity rather badly. Someone should remind her of Jesus and Mary Magdalene.”

The tension went out of Madeline’s face. “You are very kind not to condemn me.” She released her breath in a slow sigh. “I will leave as soon as the roads clear.”

Diana frowned. Madeline Gainford was in no condition to travel. Beyond that, Diana was powerfully drawn to the older woman and wanted to learn more about her and the mysterious world from which she had come. “Where will you go?”

“I don’t know. Perhaps I’ll rent a house in a south-coast village, where the weather is milder. I won’t need it for long.”

Diana was moved by pure impulse, impossible to justify but so powerfully right that it could not be denied. “There is no need for you to leave.”

Madeline stared, her face openly vulnerable and her brows knit with puzzlement. “Would you have me, a . . . a fallen woman, under the same roof with your child? I am nothing to you.”

“Ah, but we have something in common. Your sister will cross the street to avoid me.” Diana gave a smile of melting warmth as she reached out and clasped Madeline’s hand. “We are all outcasts here. You may stay as long as you wish.”

The older woman closed her eyes against the sharp sting of tears, torn between accepting and refusing the offer. Madeline had been turned away by her own flesh and blood. Was it really possible that she had found the sanctuary she sought in the house of a stranger?

In the end, she did not have the strength to refuse what she wanted so desperately. Grasping Diana’s hand as if it were a lifeline, Madeline whispered, “God bless you.”

Taking a break from her gardening, Diana sat back on her heels and viewed her former patient with pride. It had been over a year since Madeline had appeared from the storm. Instead of wasting away, she had gained in strength and spirit. Now Maddy was a glowing, attractive woman in the prime of life, an integral member of the household who cheerfully performed her share of the chores.

Today she knelt on a square of tattered carpet and helped Diana transplant April seedlings in the garden. Diana had the odd fancy that the older woman had also been transplanted, from a