1 The Color of Magic
Fire roared through the bifurcated city of Ankh-Morpork. Where it licked the Wizards’ Quarter it burned blue and green and was even laced with strange sparks of the eighth color, octarine; where its outriders found their way into the vats and oil stores all along Merchant Street it progressed in a series of blazing fountains and explosions; in the streets of the perfume blenders it burned with a sweetness; where it touched bundles of rare and dry herbs in the storerooms of the drugmasters it made men go mad and talk to God.
By now the whole of downtown Morpork was alight, and the richer and worthier citizens of Ankh on the far bank were bravely responding to the situation by feverishly demolishing the bridges. But already the ships in the Morpork docks—laden with grain, cotton and timber, and coated with tar—were blazing merrily and, their moorings burnt to ashes, were breasting the river Ankh on the ebb tide, igniting riverside palaces and bowers as they drifted like drowning fireflies toward the sea. In any case, sparks were riding the breeze and touching down far across the river in hidden gardens and remote rickyards.
The smoke from the merry burning rose miles high, in a wind-sculpted black column that could be seen across the whole of the Discworld.
It was certainly impressive from the cool, dark hilltop a few leagues away, where two figures were watching with considerable interest.
The taller of the pair was chewing on a chicken leg and leaning on a sword that was only marginally shorter than the average man. If it wasn’t for the air of wary intelligence about him it might have been supposed that he was a barbarian from the Hubland wastes.
His partner was much shorter and wrapped from head to toe in a brown cloak. Later, when he has occasion to move, it will be seen that he moves lightly, catlike.
The two had barely exchanged a word in the last twenty minutes except for a short and inconclusive argument as to whether a particularly powerful explosion had been the oil bond store or the workshop of Kerible the Enchanter. Money hinged on the fact.
Now the big man finished gnawing at the bone and tossed it into the grass, smiling ruefully.
“There go all those little alleyways,” he said. “I liked them.”
“All the treasure houses,” said the small man. He added thoughtfully, “Do gems burn? I wonder. ’Tis said they’re kin to coal.”
“All the gold, melting and running down the gutters,” said the big one, ignoring him. “And all the wine, boiling in the barrels.”
“There were rats,” said his brown companion.
“Rats, I’ll grant you.”
“It was no place to be in high summer.”
“That, too. One can’t help feeling, though, a—well, a momentary—”
He trailed off, then brightened. “We owed old Fredor at the Crimson Leech eight silver pieces,” he added. The little man nodded.
They were silent for a while as a whole new series of explosions carved a red line across a hitherto dark section of the greatest city in the world. Then the big man stirred.
“Weasel?”
“Yes?”
“I wonder who started it.”
The small swordsman known as the Weasel said nothing. He was watching the road in the ruddy light. Few had come that way since the Deosil Gate had been one of the first to collapse in a shower of white-hot embers.
But two were coming up it now. The Weasel’s eyes, always at their sharpest in gloom and half-light, made out the shapes of two mounted men and some sort of low beast behind them. Doubtless a rich merchant escaping with as much treasure as he could lay frantic hands on. The Weasel said as much to his companion, who sighed.
“The status of footpad ill suits us,” said the barbarian, “but, as you say, times are hard and there are no soft beds tonight.”
He shifted his grip on his sword and, as the leading rider drew near, stepped out onto the road with a hand held up and his face set in a grin nicely calculated to reassure yet threaten.
“Your pardon, sir—” he began.
The rider reined in his horse and drew back his hood. The big man looked into a face blotched with superficial burns and punctuated by tufts of singed beard. Even the eyebrows had gone.
“Bugger off,” said the face. “You’re Bravd the Hublander,* aren’t you?”
Bravd became aware that he had fumbled the initiative.
“Just go away, will you?” said the rider. “I just haven’t got time for you, do you understand?”
He looked around and added: “That goes for your shadow-loving fleabag partner, too, wherever he’s hiding.”
The Weasel stepped up to the horse and peered at the disheveled figure.
“Why, it’s Rincewind the wizard, isn’t it?” he said in tones of delight, meanwhile filing the wizard’s description of him in his memory for leisurely vengeance. “I thought I recognized the voice.”
Bravd spat and sheathed his sword. It was seldom worth tangling with wizards, they so rarely had any treasure worth speaking of.
“He talks pretty big for a gutter wizard,” he muttered.
“You don’t understand at all,” said the wizard wearily. “I’m so scared of you my spine has turned to jelly, it’s just that I’m suffering from an overdose of terror right now. I mean, when I’ve got over that then I’ll have time to be decently frightened of you.”
The Weasel pointed toward the burning city.
“You’ve been through that?” he asked.
The wizard rubbed a red-raw hand across his eyes. “I was there when it started. See him? Back there?” He pointed back down the road to where his traveling companion was still approaching, having adopted a method of riding that involved falling out of the saddle every few seconds.
“Well?” said Weasel.
“He started it,” said Rincewind simply.
Bravd and Weasel looked at the figure, now hopping across the road with one foot in a stirrup.
“Fire-raiser, is he?” said Bravd at last.
“No,” said Rincewind. “Not precisely. Let’s just say that if complete and utter chaos were lightning, then he’d be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armor and shouting ‘All gods are bastards.’ Got any food?”
“There’s some chicken,” said Weasel. “In exchange for a story.”
“What’s his name?” said Bravd, who tended to lag behind in conversations.
“Twoflower.”
“Twoflower?” said Bravd. “What a funny name.”
“You,” said Rincewind, dismounting, “do not know the half of it. Chicken, you say?”
“Deviled,” said Weasel. The wizard groaned.
“That reminds me,” added the Weasel, snapping his fingers, “there was a really big explosion about, oh, half an hour ago—”
“That was the oil bond store going up,” said Rincewind, wincing at the memory of the burning rain.
Weasel turned and grinned expectantly at his companion, who grunted and handed over a coin from his pouch. Then there was a scream from the roadway, cut off abruptly. Rincewind did not look up from his chicken.
“One of the things he can’t do, he can’t ride a horse,” he said. Then he stiffened as if sandbagged by a sudden recollection, gave a small yelp of terror and dashed into the gloom. When he returned, the being called Twoflower was hanging limply over his shoulder. It was small and skinny, and dressed very oddly in a pair of knee length britches and a shirt in such a violent and vivid conflict of colors that Weasel’s fastidious eye was offended even in the half-light.
“No bones broken, by the feel of things,” said Rincewind. He was breathing heavily. Bravd winked at the Weasel and went to investigate the shape that they assumed was a pack animal.
“You’d be wise to forget it,” said the wizard, without looking up from his examination of the unconscious Twoflower. “Believe me. A power protects it.”
“A spell?” said Weasel, squatting down.
“No-oo. But magic of a kind, I think. Not the usual sort. I mean, it can turn gold into copper while at the same time it is still gold, it makes men rich by destroying their possessions, it allows the weak to walk fearlessly among thieves, it passes through the strongest doors to leach the most protected treasuries. Even now it has me enslaved—so that I must follow this madman willynilly and protect him from harm. It’s stronger than you, Bravd. It is, I think, more cunning even than you, Weasel.”
“What is it called then, this mighty magic?”
Rincewind shrugged. “In our tongue it is called reflected-sound-as-of-underground-spirits. Is there any wine?”
“You must know that I am not without artifice where magic is concerned,” said Weasel. “Only last year did I—assisted by my friend there—part the notoriously powerful Archmage of Ymitury from his staff, his belt of moon jewels and his life, in that approximate order. I do not fear this reflected-sound-of-underground-spirits of which you speak. However,” he added, “you engage my interest. Perhaps you would care to tell me more?”
Bravd looked at the shape on the road. It was closer now, and clearer in the pre-dawn light. It looked for all the world like a—
“A box on legs?” he said.
“I’ll tell you about it,” said Rincewind. “If there’s any wine, that is.”
Down in the valley there was a roar and a hiss. Someone more thoughtful than the rest had ordered to be shut the big river gates that were at the point where the Ankh flowed out of the twin city. Denied its usual egress, the river had burst its banks and was pouring down the fire-ravaged streets. Soon the continent of flame became a series of islands, each one growing smaller as the dark tide rose. And up from the city of fumes and smoke rose a broiling cloud of steam, covering the stars. Weasel thought that it looked like some dark fungus or mushroom.
The twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork, of which all the other cities of time and space are, as it were, mere reflections, has stood many assaults in its long and crowded history and has always risen to flourish again. So the fire and its subsequent flood, which destroyed everything left that was not flammable and added a particularly noisome flux to the survivors’ problems, did not mark its end. Rather it was a fiery punctuation mark, a coal-like comma, or salamander semicolon, in a continuing story.
Several days before these events a ship came up the Ankh on the dawn tide and fetched up, among many others, in the maze of wharves and docks on the Morpork shore. It carried a cargo of pink pearls, milk nuts, pumice, some official letters for the Patrician of Ankh, and a man.
It was the man who engaged the attention of Blind Hugh, one of the beggars on early duty at Pearl Dock. He nudged Cripple Wa in the ribs, and pointed wordlessly.
Now the stranger was standing on the quayside, watching several straining seamen carry a large, brass-bound chest down the gangplank. Another man, obviously the captain, was standing beside him. There was about the seamen—every nerve in Blind Hugh’s body, which tended to vibrate in the presence of even a small amount of impure gold at fifty paces, screamed into his brain—the air of one anticipating imminent enrichment.
Sure enough, when the chest had been deposited on the cobbles, the stranger reached into a pouch and there was the flash of a coin. Several coins. Gold. Blind Hugh, his body twanging like a hazel rod in the presence of water, whistled to himself. Then he nudged Wa again, and sent him scurrying off down a nearby alley into the heart of the city.
When the captain walked back onto his ship, leaving the newcomer looking faintly bewildered on the quayside, Blind Hugh snatched up his begging cup and made his way across the street with an ingratiating leer. At the sight of him the stranger started to fumble urgently with his money pouch.
“Good day to thee, sire,” Blind Hugh began, and found himself looking up into a face with four eyes in it. He turned to run.
“!” said the stranger, and grabbed his arm. Hugh was aware that the sailors lining the rail of the ship were laughing at him. At the same time his specialized senses detected an overpowering impression of money. He froze. The stranger let go and quickly thumbed through a small black book he had taken from his belt. Then he said “Hallo.”
“What?” said Hugh. The man looked blank.
“Hallo?” he repeated, rather louder than necessary and so carefully that Hugh could hear the vowels tinkling into place.
“Hallo yourself,” Hugh riposted. The stranger smiled widely, fumbled yet again in the pouch. This time his hand came out holding a large gold coin. It was in fact slightly larger than an 8,000-dollar Ankhian crown and the design on it was unfamiliar, but it spoke inside Hugh’s mind in a language he understood perfectly. My current owner, it said, is in need of succor and assistance; why not give it to him, so you and me can go off somewhere and enjoy ourselves?
Subtle changes in the beggar’s posture made the stranger feel more at ease. He consulted the small book again.
“I wish to be directed to a hotel, tavern, lodging house, inn, hospice, caravanserai,” he said.
“What, all of them?” said Hugh, taken aback.
“?” said the stranger.
Hugh was aware that a small crowd of fishwives, shellfish diggers and freelance gawpers were watching them with interest.
“Look,” he said, “I know a good tavern, is that enough?” He shuddered to think of the gold coin escaping from his life. He’d keep that one, even if Ymor confiscated all the rest. And the big chest that comprised most of the newcomer’s luggage looked to be full of gold, Hugh decided.
The four-eyed man looked at his book.
“I would like to be directed to a hotel, place of repose, tavern, a—”
“Yes, all right. Come on then,” said Hugh hurriedly. He picked up one of the bundles and walked away quickly. The stranger, after a moment’s hesitation, strolled after him.
A train of thought shunted its way through Hugh’s mind. Getting the newcomer to the Broken Drum so easily was a stroke of luck, no doubt of it, and Ymor would probably reward him. But for all his new acquaintance’s mildness there was something about him that made Hugh uneasy, and for the life of him he couldn’t figure out what it was. Not the two extra eyes, odd though they were. There was something else. He glanced back.
The little man was ambling along in the middle of the street, looking around him with an expression of keen interest.
Something else Hugh saw nearly made him gibber.
The massive wooden chest, which he had last seen resting solidly on the quayside, was following on its master’s heels with a gentle rocking gait. Slowly, in case a sudden movement on his part might break his fragile control over his own legs, Hugh bent slightly so that he could see under the chest.
There were lots and lots of little legs.
Very deliberately, Hugh turned around and walked very carefully toward the Broken Drum.
“Odd,” said Ymor.
“He had this big wooden chest,” added Cripple Wa.
“He’d have to be a merchant or a spy,” said Ymor. He pulled a scrap of meat from the cutlet in his hand and tossed it into the air. It hadn’t reached the zenith of its arc before a black shape detached itself from the shadows in the corner of the room and swooped down, taking the morsel in midair.
“A merchant or a spy,” repeated Ymor. “I’d prefer a spy. A spy pays for himself twice, because there’s always the reward when we turn him in. What do you think, Withel?”
Opposite Ymor the second greatest thief in Ankh-Morpork half closed his one eye and shrugged.
“I’ve checked on the ship,” he said. “It’s a freelance trader. Does the occasional run to the Brown Islands. People there are just savages. They don’t understand about spies and I expect they eat merchants.”
“He looked a bit like a merchant,” volunteered Wa. “Except he wasn’t fat.”
There was a flutter of wings at the window. Ymor shifted his bulk out of the chair and crossed the room, coming back with a large raven. After he’d unfastened the message capsule from its leg it flew up to join its fellows lurking among the rafters. Withel regarded it without love. Ymor’s ravens were notoriously loyal to their master, to the extent that Withel’s one attempt to promote himself to the rank of greatest thief in Ankh-Morpork had cost their master’s right-hand man his left eye. But not his life, ...
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Rincewind, Twoflower, and the rest of the zany cast put their all into being neurotic, oblivious, and absurd. The over-the-top hijinks, frantic action, and abrupt scene changes made it hard to follow the story. There were multiple times where I had to re-read a passage to figure out what had ...
Rincewind, Twoflower, and the rest of the zany cast put their all into being neurotic, oblivious, and absurd. The over-the-top hijinks, frantic action, and abrupt scene changes made it hard to follow the story. There were multiple times where I had to re-read a passage to figure out what had just happened, especially later on in the book.
Rincewind certainly has his hands full keeping Twoflower’s exuberant obliviousness in check, but it works well initially. By the end, I felt as worn out as Rincewind with his antics. Their thunder was stolen by the luggage and Death when he made an appearance. The Sapient Pearwood luggage was underappreciated as the best fighter on Discworld, although Rincewind learned a healthy fear of its capabilities. Death was the one character that made me laugh as he just wanted Rincewind to be a good wizard and let him reap his soul.
If you are a fan of books full of sheer insanity, this one is worth checking out. It didn’t jive for me, but I might check out another Discworld book to see if they get any more coherent.
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