Code Of Conduct

by Rich Merritt

Genres: LGBT Gay

Synopsis

You've gotten away with it for so long, you think you're immune to the danger. . . At thirty-three, Don Hawkins has spent the better part of his life, in every sense, as a U.S. Marine. Enlisting to escape an alcoholic father and stepmother, he became the unofficial leader of a group of gay servicemen and women, all compelled to guard their sexual identity as faithfully as they serve their country. But with newly inaugurated President Clinton's promise to lift the ban on gays in the military, Don is optimistic that a brighter era is dawning--and not just politically. Ten years now since his lover died in Beirut, Don is finally ready to love again, and falls headlong for Patrick, a handsome young helicopter pilot. As their relationship develops, Don lets his guard down--in potentially dangerous ways. Because forces are at work in the Naval Investigative Service, in Congress, and even in the bars and clubs that Don views as his turf, with a vicious agenda that will have unforeseen consequences. . . Drawing on his own experiences as a Marine, Rich Merritt has crafted an extraordinary story of love, loss, duty, betrayal, and hope. Most of all, Code of Conduct is a deeply compelling exploration of the power of loyalty--to friends, lovers, country, and the unwavering dictates of our own hearts. Praise for Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star "Rich Merritt writes an honest, inspiring, sexy, funny, and courageous story." --William J. Mann, author of Men Who Love Men "Inspiring, thought-provoking, and brutally honest." --Michael Thomas Ford, author of Changing Tides "A gripping memoir." -- Gay & Lesbian Review "Merritt has written a powerfully honest and compelling story of living two lives." --David Mixner, author of Stranger Among Friends Rich Merritt served in the Marines from 1985 until 1998, attaining the rank of Captain. The same year he was honorably discharged, he was featured on the cover of The New York Times Magazine in an article by Jennifer Egan titled "Uniforms in the Closet: The Shadow Life of a Gay Marine." He tells his life story in his memoir Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star (Kensington, 2005).

Release date: January 1, 2008

Publisher: Kensington Books

Print pages: 465

Sample

“Merritt’s sincerity and his willingness to scrutinize himself on the pages wins out in the end.”

—Just Out (Portland, Oregon)

“Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star covers a spectacularly diverse life.”

—XY magazine (San Diego, California)

“An engaging, intriguing read.”

—Gay People’s Chronicle (Cleveland, Ohio)

“An engagingly enthusiastic memoir…Merritt clearly cherished his military service and his memoir makes a strong case that gays ought to be able to serve honorably and openly.”

—Bookmarks/Q Syndicate

“In a society where honesty is not always the best policy and information can lead to power, what is one to do when his suspect past comes back to haunt him? Rich Merritt brilliantly tackles this subject in his insightful memoir. Merritt’s voice is as stalwart as his military demeanor; his story, as gripping as any bestselling fiction novel. Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star establishes an edge to the memoir genre.”

—X Factor Magazine

“Well worth a read.”

—HX Magazine

“Rich Merritt writes an honest, inspiring, sexy, funny, and courageous story. It is filled with insights into military life and the workings of the media, but what truly resonates is the account of one man’s journey to self-acceptance and the welcoming, joyous embrace of gay culture.”

—William J. Mann, author of All American Boy

More praise for Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star!

“Inspiring, thought-provoking, and brutally honest, Rich Merritt’s story is much more than that of a Marine who found himself at the center of a political firestorm. It is the story of a young man’s coming of age, of the hypocrisy of the gay media and political organizations, and, ultimately, of what it means to come to terms with who you are while being pulled in multiple directions.”

—Michael Thomas Ford, author of Changing Tides

“This is a timely and powerful memoir, an eye-opening survey of wildly incompatible worlds including Bob Jones University, the gay Marine underground, the porn industry, and the circuit party ghetto. At a moment when our country has fallen prey to the lure of various fundamentalisms, this book issues a compelling indictment of what its author calls ‘the internal tyranny of fundamentalist dogma.’ Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star spellbindingly charts a young man’s perilous journey from the iron-clad, killing certainties of his upbringing to adulthood’s hard-won self-acceptance and compassion. Rich Merritt writes incisively and, indeed, often quite sexily about a life of closets, confusion and, finally, the great courage of his convictions.”

—Paul Russell, author of War Against the Animals and The Coming Storm

Clinton Reaffirms Campaign Promise To End Military’s Ban on Gays

By Kathryn Angel, Washington Herald

LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS, November 12, 1992—In his first major policy address to the nation since his election last week, President-elect Bill Clinton today reiterated his campaign promise to issue an executive order overturning Department of Defense Directive 1332.14, which bans homosexuals from the military. Directive 1332.14 states:

Homosexuality is incompatible with military service. The presence in the military environment of persons who engage in homosexual conduct or who, by their statements, demonstrate a propensity to engage in homosexual conduct, seriously impairs the accomplishment of the military mission. The presence of such members adversely affects the ability of the armed forces to maintain discipline, good order, and morale; to foster mutual trust and confidence among service members; to ensure the integrity of the system of rank and command; to facilitate assignment and worldwide deployment of service members who frequently must live and work in close conditions affording minimal privacy; to recruit and retain members of the armed forces; to maintain the public acceptability of military service; and to prevent breaches of security.

Governor Clinton delivered a Veterans Day speech today and afterwards told reporters he has no intention of backing away from his controversial pledge to allow gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military. He plans to issue the executive order as soon as he takes office January 20.

Already there are grumblings among the military’s leadership, Republicans and even some Democrats that the president-elect is “challenging the military’s most entrenched traditions,” although no one seems to know precisely what those traditions are. Ironically, when Winston Churchill was accused of threatening the British Navy’s traditions during World War I, he is widely reported to have said, “And what are those traditions, save rum, sodomy and the lash?”

“You goddamned lying son of a bitch!”

Don Hawkins showered Giles’s face with spittle but the hospital corpsman made no move to wipe it away. Don’s glare was pure rage. He waited. The stench of fear overpowered the Balboa Naval Hospital’s pungent odors of antiseptic, fresh paint and linoleum wax. “Spineless motherfucker! How many jams have Eddie and I helped you out of when you had nowhere else to go?”

Retreating, Giles sideswiped a roller cart and knocked over a stack of empty urine cups. “Look, y-y-you can’t—”

“I should drag you in that utility closet and beat your ass.”

“Easy, killer.” Eddie stepped in, putting his hand on the tall Marine’s shoulder. “Our boy Giles here, he’s just following his orders.”

A bead of sweat dripped from Giles’s nose, splattering his scrubs. “That’s r-r-right. I-I-I’m just following orders.”

“My ass.” Don lowered his voice, spying a high-ranking officer entering the opposite corridor. “You followin’ orders when you light up a joint? Huh, Sailor? How ’bout when you hand in somebody else’s piss and tell the Navy it’s your own?”

“It’s the new executive officer,” Giles hissed. “She’s triple-checking everyone’s work. We’re not talking about a slap on the wrist. If I get caught, it’s a court-martial and a dishonorable discharge.”

Eddie hooked Don’s coiled bicep. “Come on. We asked nice. If Giles doesn’t value our friendship, we’ll go to Plan B.”

Don shook him off. “He doesn’t get off that easy. He promised he’d take care of this. He owes us.”

“It’s a felony offense,” Giles whispered. “Yeah, you’ve helped me out—a lot—but not enough to get thrown in the brig at Fort Leavenworth. Doin’ hard labor.”

Eddie smiled at the trembling Sailor. “I been in the Navy fifteen years. Don’s got that much time in the Marine Corps. We understand how the military works, okay? You got a new hospital XO who wants to show everyone she’s the boss. It’ll all blow over in a week or so. Besides, Clinton just became the president two days ago! Soon, none of this will matter.”

“Why don’t you just wait on Clinton? Why do I gotta stick my neck out now?”

“Because, asshole,” Don said, “this is the military and deadlines matter. Eddie’s got one more week to submit his sample. It’s pretty fucking simple—even for a squid like you. Draw my blood, ‘accidentally’ label it with Eddie’s name and social, and turn it in.”

The high-ranking officer at the opposite end of the hall looked impatiently at her watch, calling out: “Petty Officer Giles, you were supposed to be at the ER ten minutes ago. I assume you’ll conclude your business here and report there immediately!”

“Yes, ma’am,” Giles replied. He turned back to Don and Eddie. “Friday. Payday. Everyone in the military will be out in San Diego. It’s gonna be a long fucking night.”

Giles started to walk way, but Don grabbed him by the arm one last time. “Hey, ‘Doc.’ Think you’re gonna show up on the battlefield, taking care of my Marines? Think again—or you’re gonna be the one needin’ a corpsman.”

“You seen enough?” Oliver Tolson asked his trainee. “I don’t want to waste my whole Saturday watching other people have fun on their day off.”

From his boss’s car, Agent Jay Gared viewed the homosexuals playing in Balboa Park. Perverts cared nothing for nature and proper gender roles. They wasted their lives chasing pleasure; Jay’s dad had called them “hedonists.” They failed to contribute to society and they corrupted young people, poisoning tomorrow’s citizens. Jay couldn’t show his true feelings too strongly, though, because Director Tolson had commented that he seemed obsessed with the military’s homosexual problem.

“Not yet, sir.” Jay watched a shirtless young man rub sunscreen on the back of a larger guy. The younger man joined a volleyball game across the field while two other men—one black, one white—sat at a picnic table. The black man had a dachshund, reminding Jay of his grandmother’s Porky, and the few happy memories of his teenage years. The volleyball player shouted, bringing Jay out of his reverie. The man was short, muscular and handsome, and didn’t display the telltale effeminate characteristics of a homosexual. “The most dangerous kind.”

“What’re you looking for, Jay?” Ollie asked. “What’re you trying to show me? Naval Investigative Service resources are scarce and the political climate is too volatile for us to chase gays out of the service. These ‘witch hunts’—a phrase I hate because it was legitimate work—used to pay off. Homos were an easy target. We caught one, they turned on each other like jackals and NIS achievement records looked good. That’s not the case anymore. They stick together. Times are different and NIS reports all the way up the chain to the friggin’ president. We know his story. He got elected because of the gays. I’m telling you, Gared, leave them alone! If they admit they’re queer, we got them, but if they don’t, proving it’s too much trouble.” Ollie paused and shook his head. “Besides, we have enough problems in San Diego with drugs and gang activity near—hell, even on—the bases. Keeps us busy twenty-four/seven.”

“With all due respect, sir, sodomy is still a criminal act under Article 125 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. I intend to be the best damn agent you ever had and I plan to catch, prosecute, and lock up as many violators of every article of the UCMJ as possible.”

“I got six months till retirement. No way in hell will you be the best damn agent I ever had. I’ve worked with the best and they end up fired, in jail—or dead. Just do what I tell you.”

Jay hoped Ollie would think his silence was consent. Drugs and gang-related activity were problems anyone could handle. Only the most dedicated agent would do the unspeakable things Jay was willing to do in order to nab his villains. Jay saw the big picture. America was great only because her military was great. America’s military had been in trouble for twenty years—since the fall of Saigon—and the pro-military heyday of the Reagan years was over. Clinton and his unacceptable elements threatened to erode the military; if they succeeded, they would ruin America. The military was the last stand; if its leaders caved, America would no longer be the world’s greatest nation. And God intended America to remain great. NIS Agent Jay Gared was determined to do his part to ensure that America never fell from greatness.

 

“Enemy missile positions! Straight ahead!”

“Damn it!” said Colonel Leonard Spencer. Intelligence had briefed the pilots that these scruffy desert mountains were friendly territory. “What kind? How many? How far?” He fired the questions into his mouthpiece. He pushed the helicopter’s stick forward, dropping the Marine Corps AH-1W Super Cobra close to the ground where the earth’s heat and light sources would interfere with the hostile detection systems.

“Looks like two—shit—three shoulder-fired missile teams. First is over the ridgeline nine clicks,” came the low, gravelly voice of the pilot in the Cobra ahead to Leonard’s right.

“Nine kilometers.” Leonard instantly performed the calculations in his head. “Good, we’re still out of range. We have just enough time. Sledge, bypass team one to the south. Fly in low through the saddle. Take out team two. We’ll hit team one and search for team three. Copy?”

The voice hesitated. “We should go toward the sun, Royal. The glare will defeat the heat-seeking guidance systems in the missile warheads.”

“Negative. Your mission is to go low. Take out the second missile pos. Copy?”

Another hesitation. “Roger.” Lieutenant Colonel Melvin “Sledge” Hammer’s Cobra veered low and disappeared from sight.

Leonard couldn’t be distracted by his suspicion that his subordinate commander was about to disobey his order. He’d already spent too much time, a deadly extravagance in the face of this grave enemy threat. He turned his attention to his copilot. “Jungle, you copy?”

“Roger, Colonel—I mean Royal.”

“How many rounds in the one-niner-seven?”

“Seven-fifty, sir—a full load. We firing the gun?”

“Roger.” Leonard liked Jungle’s attitude. Some pilots felt safer using the Cobra’s rockets or missiles but Jungle eagerly faced the enemy from behind the barrel of the airborne machine gun.

Leonard sighted the first missile team. His mind went into high-speed mode. Jink hard left then fast right toward the large rock formation jutting from the mountain at two o’clock. Shift direction. Pop over the edge. Jungle will have two seconds to—

“Royal! Incoming missile! Eight o’clock! Fired from three clicks—two point five—two!”

“Sledge! We missed a team,” Leonard shouted. “Double back from behind. Take him out before he gets off a second shot.” Leonard and Jungle had stumbled into an angry hornets’ nest of enemy missiles and the only way they could defeat them was to pull Sledge back into the area. “Sledge! Do you read? Sledge?” Silence.

“One point five—one—first team in sight.”

“Fire when ready!”

“Ready to fire—fire!”

Leonard watched as his forward-seated copilot began the rapid-fire assault against the enemy on the ground. But it was too late. Because they’d failed to see a missile team, Leonard and Jungle were seconds away from death and there was nothing they could do about it.

 

“You Marines never miss a chance to show off your naked bodies, do you?” Eddie asked.

Karl Steiger tossed his shirt onto Eddie’s head. “Americans have a constitutional right to see who’s protecting them.” The twenty-three-year-old Marine flexed his pecs and kissed his bulging biceps. “Their tax dollars at work, right here, baby!” He winked at Eddie. “They catch you Navy boys without your shirts, they’ll demand a refund.”

“Hell, I actually work for a living, else I could spend three hours a day in the gym.” Eddie fished in his glove compartment for his Ray-Ban sunglasses and put them on.

“Don’t you squids burn off any calories walking to and from the vending machine all day?”

“Ladies, please don’t make me referee,” said Don.

“Here, Don, take this before he leaves it behind.” Eddie tossed Karl’s shirt and opened his car door to put the leash on his dog. “Give me any more lip and I’ll sic Rocky on you!” They laughed at the idea of a twelve-pound dachshund attacking a Marine.

Karl turned to a volleyball game in progress. “Go ahead, Karl. We’ll rotate in later.”

Rocky yanked on his leash as Karl took off across the small field in San Diego’s Balboa Park. “No, Rocky, over here, boy!” Eddie said. Karl joined the team in formation facing their opponents. The eleven men—allies and foes alike—gawked at Karl’s physique. When Karl wore baggy shorts and nothing else, everyone—gay, straight or bi—stared at his chiseled body.

“Where’d he get that tan?” Eddie asked. “Today’s January twenty-third, not July fourth.”

Don grabbed two beers from the cooler. “That tan cost the boy a big chunk of his paycheck, so just admire like everyone else.” He passed one to Eddie.

“Marines in tanning beds,” Eddie grunted. “We’re in the Clinton era for sure.”

“About the fuck-up at the hospital yesterday—a buddy at Miramar can help us.” Don popped the top off his Miller Genuine Draft. “Shoulda gone to him first. He’s straight, but more reliable than that shitbird Giles. Says he can meet us at Balboa Tuesday morning.”

Rocky found a piece of real estate to his liking and did his business. “This HIV test is a lot of trouble.” Eddie pulled a plastic bag from his pocket and cleaned up after his pet. “You gotta be away from your battalion. Your friend’s gotta come all the way to Balboa.”

“Let me worry about that. Besides, we didn’t make these fucked-up rules. You’re healthy. You’ve got every right to keep doing your job until you reach your twenty and retire.”

“If I make it to retirement,” Eddie said as they turned to walk back toward their cars.

“Prepare to get creamed! Zero serving zero.” Karl put the ball cleanly over the net.

“They’ll find a cure soon,” Don said. “You’re gonna make it way beyond retirement.”

“Yeah right. Some politician’s tryin’ to pass a law discharging everyone with HIV.”

“Not gonna happen. Clinton’s the president, not that asshole Coughlin. Besides, no one’s gonna know you have HIV, so it won’t matter,” Don said. “That’s so fucked up—there’s a lot of jobs positive people can do where it won’t make a bit of difference, even in wartime.”

Eddie tied Rocky’s leash around a picnic table and the two men sat across from each other. “Next time there’s a real war—not just a Kuwaiti skirmish—they’ll take anyone they can get. I don’t care who’s got AIDS, leprosy, a criminal record—nymphomania—whatever, they’ll take ’em. They discriminate in peacetime ’cause they ain’t got nothing better to do.” He drank his beer and Rocky jumped into his lap to get a taste. “You don’t need that.” Eddie laughed. “Got enough alcoholic friends and Sailors to tend to. Don’t need no drunken dog.” Turning serious, he asked, “What if they find out? We got the same blood type, not the same blood.”

“How long we been doing this? Six years? Ever since they started requiring these goddamned HIV tests. All the lab does is check the blood for antibodies. That’s it. When they see it’s negative, they look at the name on the vial and enter it into the computer as negative.”

“I was thinking about what Giles said. You could get in a lot of trouble.”

“Damn it, Eddie, we have this conversation every year!” Don lowered his voice. “Not another word about it. This is what we’re doing.”

Eddie scratched Rocky between his ears. “I’m glad I picked out an old dog ’cause I sure as hell don’t got the energy to chase a young one all over the park.”

“Like you told Giles yesterday, Clinton’s changing things for the better. This might be the last year we have to do this.”

Eddie smirked. “Don Don Don. I love that you’re still the same naïve teenager from Missouri I met on ship in the Arabian Sea. But man, get real! I said all that bullshit about Clinton just to get Giles to go along with us. You read the paper this morning? Bill Clinton ain’t gonna change a thing. If he tries, he’ll only make it worse.”

“In fifteen years, you ever known me to read a paper?”

“I know, stupid question. The new Defense Secretary met with the Joint Chiefs Thursday. All they did for two hours was bitch about Clinton’s promise to lift the gay ban.”

Don faked surprise. “Well, yippie ki yea, mothafucka! I guess that means we fixed all the other problems, you know the ones in Somalia, Bosnia and Iraq.”

“That’s what I’m sayin’. We can all pack up and go home.”

“What about the general running the Pentagon?” Don asked. “He’s black. Don’t he understand the ban is just another way to discriminate?”

Eddie almost laughed. “You mean ‘Uncle Colin’? Hell, he’s the main man against Clinton. If he had a set a balls, he’d stand up to the rest of the generals and support the president.” Eddie shook his head and drank more of his beer. “All he’s doing is gearing up to run against Clinton in four years. What better way to do that than lead the lynch mob against the fags?”

“Guess we shouldn’t expect anything better from an Army general. Someday, we’ll get a Marine general as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs and he’ll have a backbone.” Don enjoyed the last of his beer as his temper cooled. “I disagree with you about Clinton. I think he’s going to change things. Maybe not as fast as he—or we—would like. So what if he’s a pot-smoking draft dodger and none of the generals respect him. He’s committed to helping gays and lesbians. He knows he wouldn’t be president without our votes.” Seeing Eddie’s continued look of disbelief, Don said, “Have a little bit of hope, man. Clinton’s the man from Hope!”

“I lost my hope on April 4, 1968. I was eight.”

“What happened? I don’t know—”

“Of course you don’t, white boy.” Eddie’s usually gentle tone was tinged with bitterness. “That’s the day they killed Martin Luther King. If they’ll kill a man who preaches peace just ’cause of the color of his skin, things ain’t never gonna get better for gay men or lesbians. Especially not for gay men with a deadly, incurable, infectious disease.”

Don believed his optimism was merited but he respected Eddie’s pessimism. “Want another beer?” Don tossed his can into a trash bin as he walked to his jeep.

“I’m good, but if you have any water, Rocky could use a drink, couldn’t ya, boy.”

Don smiled at the sight of his friend petting his little companion. “Aren’t you glad I talked you into getting a dog? How long has it been, a year?”

“Let’s see now. Ray died in November of ’ninety-one and I rescued Rocky from that nasty shelter four months later, so yeah, almost a year. How could anyone give up a sweet handsome fella like you, Rocky? Their loss is my gain.”

Don returned to the bench as he watched Karl’s team rotate. “No hope? Things aren’t that bad. Saturday afternoon in Balboa Park in the middle of winter. Santa Ana winds blowing the warm desert air down to the ocean. The war is over and everyone we care about made it home. Life couldn’t be better.” He grunted and gulped his beer. “What do we even need Clinton for?”

Eddie knocked on the wooden table. “My bayou superstition must be actin’ up ’cause it scares me when you talk shit like that. Maybe things aren’t that bad but don’t upset the balance by flauntin’ our good luck. We both got five years left to go. Look how many people we know who got screwed out of their pension just before hitting the magic twenty-year mark.”

“They got caught ’cause they got careless. Can’t let down your guard, not for a minute.”

“Who are you talking about?” Eddie asked. “Jeanne? You want to tell her—to her face—that she got careless? If you do, you’re a braver man than me.”

“It’s different for the women, you know that. People assume—”

“It’s not any different for women. Where’d you get that shit? Wanna talk about careless? Look where you’re at. The gayest part of Balboa Park, which is smack dab in the gayest part of San Diego. Hangin’ out with some obvious queens—no, I don’t mean me,” Eddie added, preempting Don’s jab. “Karl rubbin’ sunscreen on your back in broad daylight.”

“Oh come on, straight guys smear lotion on each other’s bare backs all—the—” Don and Eddie broke into laughter before Don could complete his sentence.

“No they don’t, not here in the park. Anyone from your unit could drive by and wonder why Gunny Hawkins is hangin’ out with a bunch of ’mos. We’ve all gotten careless but some of us have been luckier than others. I have hope—hope that your luck and mine lasts until 1998.” Eddie walked toward his car. “Be right back. I’m gonna get Rocky’s rubber ball.”

“You still trying to teach that old dog to fetch?” Don looked around, wondering if Eddie was right. The park was crowded with the usual inhabitants—dogs on leashes and their owners, babies in strollers and a few homeless folks happy for the break from a wet winter. Joggers and roller-bladers—male and female—circled the volleyball area checking out the shirtless players. Nothing looked dangerous but it was very gay. They’d grown comfortable with their lives and perhaps a little careless. Southern California, with its perpetual sunshine and reputation for laissez-faire attitudes, lulled people into the fantasy that life was always easy and grand. But with earthquakes, mudslides or wildfires, paradise was never more than seconds away from purgatory. Likewise, for gay men and lesbians in the military, a slip in an unguarded moment or an ill-timed encounter with the wrong person could send all of their lives into a tailspin.

Eddie untied Rocky from his leash and tossed the ball. “Go get it, boy!” Rocky, refusing to play the game, used his freedom to stretch and lie down in a different patch of grass.

“Give it up!” Don changed the subject by asking, “How’re you holding up?”

Eddie raised his head. “Okay, I guess. My T-cell count is as high as ever.”

“Good. But I meant,” Don said, leaning across the table, “how’re you doing—without Ray?”

Eddie sighed. “It never gets easier, does it.” He stared through his sunglasses into empty space. “I’m gonna wake up one day and the pain won’t be as bad. So far that hasn’t happened.”

“We’re glad you’re going out again. We missed you,” Don said sympathetically. “Besides, don’t you think Ray would want you to get back into life?”

Eddie wiped his shades clean with the tail of his tank top. “Don’t know what that means anymore. All I remember about ‘life’ is Ray getting sick and me taking care of him without the Navy finding out. Then he died. Other than that, I don’t have a fucking clue what ‘life’ is.”

“We’re all here for you—Karl, me, Robbi, Jeanne. Let us know what you need.”

“What I need is to get past this grief.” Eddie’s face projected raw pain. “I was sad when my father died but I didn’t feel physical pain. But now it feels like someone’s swingin’ a crowbar against the inside of my skull, that’s how painful the grief is. I was twenty-two when we met and we spent ten years together. I appreciate that y’all are here for me.” He looked at his pet, who sensed he was experiencing emotional trauma. “I’ve got Rocky—don’t I, boy—even if you won’t fetch. But I don’t know how anyone could help, other than what you’re already doing.”

“I’ve been there.”

“I know.” Eddie’s tone mellowed. “Does a day go by that you don’t—you don’t—?”

“That I don’t think about him?” Don turned his head away from Karl’s volleyball match and stared at Eddie, his closest friend for almost half his life. “When I’m busy, I might go a few hours without thinking about him. But that just makes it more painful when things slow down and I remember his little half-smile, with a corner of his mouth turned up, remember that?”

“Yes, very much.” Eddie nodded and smiled. “You two were quite the pair.”

“And a million other little things about him. I think about those all the time. It gets different. Life goes on. But honestly? I wouldn’t say it gets easier.” They sat, silently losing track of time.

“Don’t you think that he would want you to get back out there?” Eddie finally asked.

A cool breeze blew up the steep hill from the bay, and a salty ocean scent wafted gently across the park. “The wind’s shifting direction. It’ll get chilly again as the sun sets.”

“Quit changing the subject,” Eddie ordered. “Let you get away with that too many times. We both gotta get back into life. This is something we could do together.” Eddie seemed surprised at his switch from emotional paralysis to action, like he’d found a reservoir of strength.

They’d helped each other in rough times. “We’re young—maybe not for the military—but who cares? They would want us out there.” Both men were misty-eyed, sad over their past losses but happy they had each other. They hugged, sealing their agreement to get back into life.

“Your protégé is trying to tell you something.” Eddie pointed over Don’s shoulder.

Don cupped his hand over his ear. “What’d you say?” He pointed toward a jet just a few hundred yards above their heads. “Can’t hear you over the noise of the plane landing!”

“Too bad there ain’t always a plane landing when Karl’s around,” Eddie said.

The plane passed. “Unless you wanna go somewhere to lick each other’s pussies in private,” Karl said, “Dominic and Jack gotta leave. We need more players, even you sorry old asses.”

Don tossed his half-full can into the trash and looked at Eddie. “What do you say?”

“How about you, boy? Wanna go play with the big dogs?” Rocky, realizing things were changing, sprang to life. For the first time in over a year, Eddie looked hopeful. “I’m ready to get into the game if you are.” The men and the dachshund headed for the sandy pit.

“Flight attendants, please prepare the cabin for landing.”

After studying the ground from thirty thousand feet for over an hour, Patrick McAbe questioned how a city existed between the vast barren desert and the Pacific Ocean. His first impression of the Southwest was that it resembled an extraterrestrial world. As the plane approached San Diego, though, he was happy to see lush green suburbs, creeks and ponds and a large park near downtown, signs that life thrived at the edge of a hostile environment. His new home looked nothing like Chicago just as his new life looked nothing like his old one.

Nearing his destination, his mind raced back in time eight months.

 

Hundreds of cars filled the parking lot, leaving four spaces open in a corner. Patrick parked but remained seated for ten minutes. His pulse raced and the heat soared. I’m thirsty. He searched for a bottle of water. Shit! What kind of Marine forgets water? His flight instructor had advised the students to steer clear of Pensacola Beach over the weekend, or else thousands of guys from all over the South would hit on them. The conservative religious town in Florida’s panhandle seemed like an unlikely gay destination but he said it happened every Memorial Day. What kind of Marine goes where everyone knows the place will be packed with gay men?

It doesn’t matter because I’m not—I’m not—but he knew better. Now that he’d decided not to marry Karen and had broken their engagement, nothing stood between him and the truth. He could be it, do it or even say it out loud if he wanted. “I’m—g—gay.” His voice was sheepish but he’d said it, and saying it aloud gave him new energy. Each breath was deeper and easier, and his shoulders and spine felt relaxed. He’d said it! He started laughing. “I’m gay!”

A voice with a heavy Southern accent outside his open car window said, “Well, honey, I’m just overjoyed that you’re gay but I need to know if you’re coming or going.” The remaining three spaces were taken and a large man in a red Cabriolet convertible wanted Patrick’s spot.

Patrick opened the door and waved apologetically. “Staying,” he said as the man sped away. There’s nothing wrong with this, he assured himself. I’m at a warm beach on a sunny day and I’m just looking for a concession stand to buy a bottle of water. That’s all. As he stepped onto the pavement, he grabbed his towel—just in case he wanted to stay—and headed for the ocean. Several cars had Department of Defense decals. Are there other military guys on this beach?

Before May 1992, Patrick had never cared much about politics and he didn’t know anyone who paid attention to the subject of gays in the military. By now, though, everyone in the armed forces was aware that the Democratic Party’s nominee for president had vowed to end the ban that prevented gays and lesbians from serving. Although the Arkansas governor’s promise had set off a firestorm within the military, no one believed he stood a chance against President Bush.

Patrick glanced nervously at another DoD sticker. Why are military people here? Are they investigators? Ignoring his fears, he walked toward the pounding surf. With each footstep, he grew more comfortable about his decision. To his surprise, most of the men on the beach seemed to be in decent physical shape—excellent physical shape actually. He liked what he saw. Guys emerged from the sea, and saltwater glistened as it rolled down their hardened six-pack abs. Twenty feet away two men kissed out in the open. Patrick smiled. He’d wasted too much of his life feeling guilty for his desires. Beginning now, at the ripe old age of twenty-five, he’d pursue what he enjoyed. He regretted that he hadn’t experienced this epiphany ten years earlier.

The afternoon was sunny and beautiful. Except for the absence of kids and the skewed ratio of men to women, the crowd seemed like most other places. Given the abundance of twenty-and thirty-something in-shape guys, the resemblance to a military crowd was striking. Everyone was having fun. A few looked like Sailors and one or two sported a Marine haircut.

Patrick hadn’t satisfied his thirst but no concessionaires were nearby. Not wanting to risk being spotted by a military person, he stopped walking, spreading his towel close to the vegetation near the parking lot. He stripped off his T-shirt. A clump of weeds partially shielded him from the view of the men between him and the ocean. He tied a bandana around his head, making him feel incognito, and he leaned back to watch the parade of people. There sure as hell are a lot of them—I mean a lot of us. Thinking of himself as part of this group seemed bizarre at first, but oddly, the more he saw, the more he liked the idea. Maybe I can be gay.

“I knew you’d be the one!”

An electric shock rushed from Patrick’s lower spine to his neck and his lungs wouldn’t take in air. He thought he’d been hit with a stun gun but his reaction came from inside. As his head cleared, he recognized the voice. He turned to face its owner. Think, Patrick. Why am I here?

“Second Lieutenant McAbe, leader of Marines. What brings you out to Pensacola Beach?”

Patrick reflexively jumped to his feet to address his instructor. “Sir, I—is this—what beach did you mean? Pensacola? I haven’t been—?”

“Hey! McAbe! Relax. Call me Chris.” Navy Lieutenant Ashburn—Chris—started to sit. “Mind if I use a corner of your towel?”

“No sir, not at all. Pl—please be my guest.” Patrick’s mouth had gone from dry to parched.

Chris sat cross-legged and Patrick followed, facing the other man across his beach towel. The instructor held out a bottle. “Want a drink?” Patrick nodded and grabbed the water.

Patrick forgot his bewilderment as he enjoyed the ice-cold liquid going down inside him but the feeling was temporary and his questions returned with urgency. Why is Lieutenant Ashburn, the instructor who warned us about this beach, here? Why did he say I would be “the one”? Does he think I’m—gay? Chris looked at him blankly. As Patrick returned the bottle of water, he inadvertently let his eyes roam over Chris’s tanned and muscular legs, his flat stomach and his appealing upper body. When he looked up, Chris was smiling at him.

“Your first name’s ‘Patrick,’ isn’t it? Mind if I call you ‘Patrick’?”

“Um, yes sir, you can call me Patrick.”

“You have to stop that ‘sir’ shit.” Chris laughed. “Answer the question.”

“I—it’s, um, what was the question? Why am I here?”

“No need to turn it into an existential crisis. What I meant was, why are you here—on this beach?” Chris smiled and winked as he tilted the bottle to extract the last drop.

Patrick inhaled and launched into his rehearsed explanation. “It’s Memorial Day weekend. I’m at the beach and there’s nothing wrong with that.” As awkward as it might’ve sounded, Patrick relaxed. It’s a free country and an open beach. If Lieutenant Ashburn wants to tell the other pilots he saw me at a gay beach, then, well—what the hell is Lieutenant Ashburn doing here? Patrick suddenly realized what should’ve been obvious from the start. Why is he here? “So—Chris,” Patrick said, his courage strengthening by the second, “why are you here?”

“Because I like this part of the beach the most. How about you? With miles of beaches to choose from, why pick this one? Don’t you rent a place with Tim Roberts on the beach at Perdido Key? That’s right, you do. Why drive twenty miles to this beach?”

“Thirty, actually,” Patrick offered absently.

“Is Tim here? Why didn’t he come with you?”

“Because Tim’s not—” Thankfully, Patrick stopped before he said “gay.” “Because Tim’s not in town this weekend. He’s in Seattle. Getting engaged. To Melanie.”

“I see.” Chris dragged out “see” until it faded into the sound of the birds and the waves.

Patrick hypnotized himself with the rhythm of the surf. Crash, come in, cover the sand, ebb, go out, repeat. He felt calmer than before. Can I trust Chris? I feel like I can—but can I trust anyone? A hard crash of the waves brought him back. He still hadn’t answered the lieutenant’s question but it didn’t matter because Chris also seemed to be in harmony with the waves. Patrick thought he knew his instructor well but now he realized he didn’t know him at all. Chris was friendly, good-natured and well liked by his students but he rarely talked about himself. Maybe that’s why he was their favorite. Most Navy and Marine Corps aviators—especially the ones proficient enough to train new pilots—talked about themselves a lot.

“Don’t worry. I’m not with the Naval Investigative Service.” Chris scanned the beach and squinted into the sun, which was on its downward arc. He removed his sunglasses, inched closer to Patrick and stared into his student’s eyes. “I’ll start a special friendship between us by saying that I’m a very open-minded type of guy. You can tell me anything you need to. I’m sure I told you who comes to this beach on this particular weekend and most of my students wouldn’t go near a gay beach. But you chose to come here, and I ask myself ‘Why?’ Are you a gay-basher here to beat the crap out of some ‘fags’? I’ve known you for eight months and you don’t seem like the Neanderthal type. Or are you a fundamentalist Christian here to tell the sodomites about Jesus?” Chris leaned forward. “Or are you ‘curious and confused’? Isn’t that the expression?” He brushed sand off his leg. “I don’t care—unless you’re a Bible thumper. Now that would really annoy me.”

“You haven’t told me why you’re here.” As Patrick’s trust grew, his suspicion that Chris was toying with him diminished. “Which are you?”

Chris mulled over the different groups. “None. I’m a nonviolent agnostic combat-ready helicopter pilot. All that I’m curious or confused about is why Second Lieutenant McAbe is at a gay beach. Now that puzzles me.” The sun’s rays penetrated the outer layers of Patrick’s skin but the Gulf breeze kept him cool. He returned Chris’s stare. The man had vocalized the “g” word, and for the first time in Patrick’s life, he hadn’t heard “gay” uttered as a slur. Chris moved closer. “Mind if I take these off?” He removed Patrick’s sunglasses. “You’re handsome. I’ve never seen a man with such sparkly green eyes.”

Patrick suddenly felt his temperature rise in a wonderful way. He was immobilized. All he could do was smile at Chris, a man whose face seemed warm, friendly and, best of all, sincere. Chris wasn’t playing a game. The rules required him to use vague words. Maybe Patrick really could tell him anything. “I—I guess—”

“Shhh.” Chris covered Patrick’s mouth with his hand. In a strong swift motion, he leaned forward, put his lips firmly against Patrick’s, and gently placed his hand on the back of Patrick’s neck. Patrick wanted to melt. His body tingled as he felt Chris’s fingers brush his ear. Before this kiss, Patrick had planned every move his muscles dared to make. But in this instant he willingly surrendered to his instructor. For the first time in his life, Patrick was spontaneous and it felt natural. Finally, he understood the meaning of the word “euphoria.” He moved his lips against Chris’s and let Chris’s tongue ply its way into his mouth. Chris’s mouth tasted salty and gritty, but it was also hot, and Patrick loved the whole experience of kissing a man. As he wondered how high this natural rush could go, Chris backed away. “So you’re not a homophobe and obviously not a fundamentalist. What are you? Besides an excellent kisser.”

“I—” Patrick tasted his lips and grinned. “I don’t think I’m ‘confused’ anymore. But you’ve—aroused—my curiosity.” Patrick almost added that “curiosity” wasn’t all Chris had aroused but the comment seemed too overt and, given the tightness of his shorts, unnecessary.

Chris seemed flattered and smiled. “Don’t take this wrong—I mean it in the best way, but I had you pegged from the start. When you’ve been around awhile, it gets easier to spot family.”

“‘Family’? What do you mean by that?”

“That’s what you are now, right? Family? Or do you plan to spend the rest of your life in this ‘curious’ phase?” Patrick nervously scanned the area for military spies. Chris threw his head back, laughing. “You’re hysterical. Considering what we just did, eavesdropping is the least of our worries. And do you mind if I take that stupid-looking bandanna off your head? You have a great energy about you. You shouldn’t hide it.” Without waiting for Patrick’s permission, Chris slid around, put his arm around the younger man’s waist, and slipped the bandanna off. “That’s much better. Now I can see you. Completely. And I mean this sincerely—you’re very easy to look at.” He whispered, “Don’t be so nervous. We’re safe here. No one’s listening, no one’s watching—except a few voyeurs, but no one to worry about.”

The other man’s embrace felt comfortable and secure. “Um, th—that’s not why I’m nervous. I—this is—new—” He realized then how much he loved the warmth of Chris’s tough skin against his own softer exterior. Patrick felt safe with Chris because they were both under the military’s rules. Rules that we’re both breaking.

“Do you want to go somewhere and talk? Let’s go downtown for a drink at a little place I know. I’ll introduce you to people.”

“Sure.” Patrick knew his life would never be the same and that he’d never regret this day.

During Patrick’s final seven months in flight school, he and Chris forged a close friendship, slipping into the roles of mentor and protégé. In mid-December, on Patrick’s last day in town, Chris treated him to a high-class dinner celebrating Patrick’s graduation from flight school and promotion to first lieutenant and, sadly, to bid each other farewell. “I can’t believe you’re leaving Pensacola a virgin,” Chris joked. Before Patrick could protest, Chris held up his hand and qualified his statement. “I’m sorry, I mean a gay virgin.”

“I’m just—I don’t know, Chris—”

“Patrick, I’m kidding. I admire how patiently you’ve adjusted to gay life. Promise me you won’t get bitter. The gay world has enough jaded old queens—many are under the age of twenty-five. All of us were cheated out of our adolescence. No use trying to get it all back in one circuit party weekend. Take it slow and easy—stay young and naïve as long as possibl. . .