Our relationship was never meant to last.
To start with, Edward was a ghost, and an eighteenth-century one at that, complete with dark blue satin frock coat and breeches, and silk shoes sporting two-inch heels. I, on the other hand, am a living, breathing, determinedly emancipated woman of the twenty-first century. I haven’t worn heels since I turned thirty and decided it wasn’t worth sacrificing my tendons to attract a man’s attention. This did not, however, keep me from noticing how Edward’s heels displayed his finely muscled calves to advantage through his white silk stockings. Isn’t it ironic, as Ms. Morrisette might say.
The second impediment to establishing domestic bliss with Edward was that he was a murderer.
Now, I don’t like to be judgemental. I know the rules were different in Edward's time, and maybe life was more brutish and short. I also acknowledge that there are good justifications for killing someone, even now, including self-defence or maybe saving others. But I don’t think murdering your older brother to claim his title and his wife qualifies.
It’s true that Edward was also a victim, killed in turn by his younger brother for the self-same position and the now-even-older wife. She must have been quite a woman, but Edward wasn't very forthcoming about what the attraction was: looks, money, conversation, or simply a lack of competition.
Then again, it really didn’t matter since, in my book, none of that could excuse what he'd done. Someone else must have read the same book, because Edward was doomed to wander the earth performing good deeds until he earned his redemption. He’d appeared at my bedside a month earlier, scaring the bejeezus out of me, to explain all this and inform me that I was his next assignment. Whether I liked it or not.
So you can see why this was never going to be the start of beautiful friendship. Or even a raucous buddy movie.
I won’t lie, Edward could be good company. His stories of life at the court of George III had made for some entertaining evenings. But overall it was distinctly uncomfortable living with the constant presence of a being only I could see or hear. I couldn’t even complain about him to my friends for fear they’d start surreptitiously unfriending me. And his opinions on the place of women in society, which he insisted on sharing, were beyond annoying.
So here we were, stuck with each other until he could do his duty. I could feel a chill in the autumn air as we walked to the university library where I worked as an archivist, and I was trying once again to narrow down what the plan was for accomplishing Edward’s good deed. We’d resorted to taking a less-populous route, going through parking lots and parks where I’d get fewer crazy looks for apparently talking to myself. Edward’s outfit, which also included a patterned waistcoat and voluminous high-necked, long-sleeved shirt, was surprisingly suited to a brisk day in North Yorkshire. But then, I’d seen no evidence that cold affected him, nor did he get out of breath or suffer from blisters caused by the fancy shoes. The perks of being a ghost, I suppose.
“Eddie,” I began, pleased to hear him groan at the hated nickname, “is there any update on what kind of a situation you are seeking to rectify, here? Or the amount of time you have left to do so?”
Edward looked at me and sighed. “I can only tell you what has happened in the past. You are my seventeenth assignment. My first lasted a fortnight. I suspect it was given to me as training, as the lady was already open to suggestion, so I merely had to nudge her in the right direction. But I had one assignment in the nineteenth century that lasted for forty-six years. Demmed Ebenezer Googe was not amenable to reason, the old screw jaw.” Edward had mostly adapted to modern speech, but still reverted to eighteenth-century slang when emotional. “In the end I had to call for assistance. We were successful, eventually.”
It took me a moment to register the name. “Do you mean ‘Ebenezer Scrooge’? Oh wait, that can’t be right, he’s fictional.”
Edward barked out a laugh. “He most certainly was not! But when that Dickens fellow stole the story, he simply tweaked the name and pretended he’d made it all up himself. Man was an overblown hack and the whole thing was highly skilimalink. But Googe was too old and kindly by that point to bother about it.”
I despaired at the thought of spending decades with Edward, fabulous as his outfit was, all the way up to the blue velvet bow holding back his lustrous brown hair. He did have the loveliest brown eyes. You wouldn’t have thought a murderer would have such nice eyes…
”Jeez, snap out of it, Jess!” I mentally chastised myself. “He’s an assassinating apparition, you could never take him home to mother!”
I squared my shoulders with resolve before replying.
“Well, Edward, I’m here to say that I will do almost anything legal to help you move on to your next assignment, so just keep me posted on what’s required.”
“Your cooperation is much appreciated. But often these situations happen quickly, and they don’t always involve action from my charge. When I was assigned to Amelia Earhart we were given no warning about the adverse weather conditions, she was knocked unconscious by an errant piece of luggage, and I knew not how to fly a plane. So that one was a bit of a shot into the brown. I would, however, suggestionize that you stay alert at all times, and do not try to escape my observation as you did last night.”
“Honestly,” I protested, “a relaxing evening in the bathtub was essential to my wellbeing and having a man watching you throughout does not induce calm. Surely I’m to be allowed a modicum of privacy in this situation, at least in my own lavatoire?”
Good heavens, I mused, now I’m starting to talk like him. I heard him sigh as he strode ahead, then turned around to face me, walking backwards with Ginger Rogers-like grace.
“Though cliché, dear Jessica, it’s nevertheless true that many accidents happen in the bath, so I must remain vigilant. I can’t afford another Earhart. But if it makes you feel better, I’m happy to turn my back to you with only the occasional peek to ensure you haven’t drowned.”
He suited thought to action by turning round and dropping back to walk beside me before resuming the conversation. “You know I’m not corporeal, so there can be no rantum scantum; your virtue is safe. And be glad of that, because your figure is most alluring, and would have been exactly to my taste when I lived.”
“Edward!” I exclaimed. “That’s just the kind of comment that puts me on edge! I don’t want to discuss rantum scantuming at all!”
Edward looked at me, his face a picture of bland innocence. “You prefer ‘playing at couch quail’? Or ‘doing a bit of giblet pie’? What about ‘boarding a land carrack’?” he queried.
“Enough!” I yelled, my hands over my ears. A passing cyclist glanced back at me in wide-eyed alarm, then peddled away with renewed vigour.
I lowered my voice. “Behave yourself, or I’ll have to complain to a higher power about your assignment.”
Edward could not contain his mirth this time. “You mean your Christian god?” he sputtered. But then, noticing my dismay, he stopped laughing.
“Oh, a deity exists, do not worry,” he reassured me. “But I always marvel at the hundreds of narrow interpretations applied to it. Yahweh, The Great Spirit, Allah, Brahman, Odin, The Mother. All the same thing, yet you end up fighting over your petty made-up differences in worship. I remember wars over whether prayers should be said in English or Latin. The living can be so ridiculous.” He tried to prevent another chuckle from escaping, and failed.
“Yes, well, we can’t all keep ourselves occupied with killing off our family and marrying our sisters-in-law.” I retorted childishly.
Edward’s face fell. “A lowish blow, as you would say, Jessica. I am no more pleased than you that I must haunt this world atoning for my mistakes. And I’ve been living, or rather dying, with that fact for very much longer than you have existed. I know I’ve been reluctant to talk of my past, the tale has become anathema to me after all these centuries, but you should know that I loved Clarissa dearly, we were pledged to each other before she’d even met my brother. However, her family forced her to wed Richard for his title and lands and, knowing he was not her choice, he treated her abominably, abusing both her character and her body. I won’t deny that greed played a part in my actions, but my crime was not without reason. I only tell you this now because I have grown fond of you, and I would not have you see me as a total monster during the time we have left together.”
I immediately felt like a heel, and not even a two-inch one. “I’m sorry, Edward, I shouldn’t have taunted you. You are paying for your sins, so I will try to be more tolerant.” I quickly racked my brain for an olive branch. “And by the way, your cravat-thingey is a masterpiece of knotting.”
Edward acknowledged the compliment with a tight smile and a nod, but I could tell he was pleased.
“As a final note to put things in perspective,” he continued, “my bottle-headed youngest brother killed me entirely out of greed and lust. Thank goodness Clarissa was able to escape him and take the veil. Frederick is currently on his sixty-ninth assignment, and I would imagine he has a long way yet to go.”
We laughed rather wickedly at Freddy’s foul fate, our rapport restored. I decided to use the opportunity to find out a bit more about the afterlife.
“So, Googe and Earhart, eh? Is this like when people who believe in reincarnation always find out they were Napoleon or Cleopatra in a past life? Are all your charges famous?”
“Oh no, not nearly all. Although, since we are generally assigned to put right things that would negatively affect the fate of humankind, it is only to be expected that some of our subjects are destined to perform some historic act.”
A sudden realisation stopped me in my tracks.
“Wait. You’re saying I’m going to do something that will save the world?” I might have semi-shrieked this, as a black void of immense responsibility seemed to swallow my brain.
“Indeed, Jessica, but you need not become betwattled. It will be something you are qualified to do, so it is unlikely you will be asked to cure cancer unless you develop a sudden fondness for doctoring. It might be an everyday event which then allows something else to take place, or maybe you will have a certain effect on someone you meet. It’s quite possible you will not know when you have done it. I am not privy to the nature of the changing action, only that I am ordered to protect you so that it will take place.”
I mulled these intricacies of fate as I stepped out into the road, failing to notice a lorry barrelling toward me. The next thing I knew there was a blue satin sleeve across my chest and I was yanked roughly back onto the sidewalk, where I promptly fell on my arse in shock and gaped at Edward standing over me.
“But…you…I mean…how?” I stuttered at him. “You were solid. I mean, corporeal!”
“We are allowed a certain number of manifestations,” Edward informed me as I got to my feet and dusted myself off. He looked distracted for a moment, as if he’d heard something, before continuing his explanation. “I have to be careful how I use them, but I decided you were worth it.” He smiled shyly and lowered his eyes to his toes. If he could have blushed, I believe he would have.
“Well, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve saved my life. And I just want to say it will be a pleasure to have your company for the duration.”
Edward met my eyes then and slowly shook his head. “This is the end of our time together, dear Jessica. I’ve been informed that my duty is done, and I am to proceed to the next assignment.”
I was surprised by a feeling of deep disappointment. It seemed I had become fond of Edward despite myself. But I figured it wouldn’t do to get maudlin at this point, so I did my best to rally.
“Oh. OK. Well, I wish you every good thing, Edward, may your full redemption come soon. Thank you again for saving my life. Do you have any details of your next assignment? I hope it’s an easy one.”
“I am assigned to a former US president, and I’m fairly certain he will not be nearly as pleasant as you have been. He’s known to be a bit of a…how do you say it…whack job?” Edward grimaced comically, but there was a trace of sadness in his fine eyes.
I smiled ruefully. “Hmmm, if it’s the one I’m thinking of, part of me hopes you fail, and I’m sorry about that for your sake. No, wait, that’s petty. I’m going to try and be better than that from now on. I have learned from you, Edward, that people are complex, and one should not rush to judgement.”
“I am glad of it, dearest Jess. I, too, have found our partnership fruitful and your company most diverting. As for my next task, know that we aren’t always assigned to save our charges. Sometimes the goal is to save others from them.”
And with a last smirk and a wink Edward was gone, although I could have sworn I felt a fleeting caress of fingers against my cheek a moment later. I pressed the crosswalk button, thinking about what it would be like to return to my now ghost-free home. Oddly lonely, I suspected. Maybe it was time to get a dog. Possibly a silky-haired Pekingese, with a blue velvet ribbon and large brown eyes. Then I must set about justifying the trouble taken for me by Edward and that higher power.
Whatever its name was.
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