Spicy Takeaway

by Peter Dorney

Synopsis

They're Back!

The madcap adventures of seven Aussie teachers working in Singapore
as revealed in the rib-tickling ‘Chinese Takeaway' continue in this
follow-up tale of their second year under tropical skies.

Following his New Year sailing the Gulf of Thailand as resident artist
on a Japanese nudist cruise Head-of-Art Chauncy brings the teachers a gift from
Bangkok's Chatuchak market. The consequences of which will have a heavy
impact on all of them.

Chinese New Year sees the group head for Bali – the Island of the Gods – where
Bruce comes across pursuant songstress Tutti-Frutti during a dinner cruise and an
excited Chauncy prepares for the role of petal-boy at the impromptu wedding at sea. All does not go smoothly though ... as people make waves.

A Thai-Aussie-Scandinavian Massage Centre opens offering traditional Thai treatments topped with Outback Aussie billabong touches and Scandinavian twig floggings. Following the Centre opening Chauncy returns home to disturb a burglar
and ends up in the Intensive Care Unit of a downtown hospital – fighting for life.

Academy head honchos Matilda and Dot Com take a South China Sea island holiday
between terms only to be captured by rebels. What eventuates is far from the expected as rebel leader Captain Fang takes the incarceration in an unexpected direction...while smiling for the cameras.

The seven teachers are arrested on smuggling related charges and held in notorious Changi Prison ...while Cazza's beau the well-connected Singaporean K.C. works to get them out.

Simon has Traditional Chinese Medicine treatment for his back and Chauncy tries a similar course for a broken toe – and both end up with a dubious medical futures.

Romance is in the air for three of the teachers and Simon's family make another visit from Perth to add their distinctive touch to their son's chaotic days.

Add Hungry Ghost Festival drama – Massage Centre happenings where the Underworld meets the Wellness world - and it's a laugh a line all the way through.

What happens to the battered Chauncy...the kidnapped ladies...and the jailed teachers? Read on to find out ... and have lots of laughs along the way.

Release date: March 8, 2011

Publisher: Pennine Publishing

Print pages: 388

Sample

Chapter 1 

Heading Home 

‘Welcome to Perth International Airport. The local time is fifteen  minutes to midnight and the temperature is 29 degrees. Please  remain seated until the aircraft has come to a complete stop.’ 

Simon Skeer looked at the Singaporean girl next to him as she  gazed out of the aircraft window into the black Australian night. His  thoughts backtracked to leaving Perth almost a year ago in search of  fame and fortune in Southeast Asia; sort of. 

It was more a thirst for adventure, excitement and new experiences  than spotlights and financial rewards that had seen him take up a  teaching job at the Antipodean Academy of Learning in Singapore.  As things worked out there had been plenty of the above over the  last eleven months. 

The aircraft meandered towards the bright Terminal building  looming ever larger outside. The crew busied themselves, as only  airline crew can, ignoring the passengers who had unfastened their  seat belts and were standing in anticipation of a swift exit. 

Siew Moi turned to him, eyes widening and Simon answered the  unspoken question. 

‘We’re here. Welcome to Australia,’ he smiled, waiting for the  aircraft’s twist and turns to end. ‘Such a lot has happened since I was  home.’  

‘That will teach you to go teaching in foreign parts,’ the pretty girl  smiled. 

‘Absolutely. You never know who you might meet along the way,’  he agreed. ‘Especially if you happen to wander into a Singapore  bookshop and speak to the first person you see.’ He was recapping as to how they met, silently thanking the God of Bookbinders for  leading him to the bookshop where Siew Moi worked. 

His family visited Singapore in September and had a great time.  They got on well with Siew Moi, and his parents – Glad and Perce,  Aussie Okkers of the Outback kind – had insisted that Simon bring  her to Oz for the Christmas holidays. 

The Invitation was endorsed enthusiastically by seventeen-year-old  twins Oona and Kate as well as brother Kevin, a few years younger,  and the deal was done.  

Except for a slight hiccup (huge actually) when Simon disgraced  himself at a Chinese Wedding Dinner. Things quickly went  backwards after the event and the lady announced she wasn’t going  to Oz with him, in fact she wasn’t going anywhere with him. He was  clearly out of favour, out of order, out of luck, out for the count.  

It had taken much advanced grovelling before she changed her mind  and all had been forgiven. Well, sort of. Anyway, here they now  were: Australia and Simon wondered as to what kind of welcome  waited outside the Exit doors. 

When the family had seen him off in January his mother had  jammed an Australian bushman’s hat on his head, complete with  dangling corks. A fluffy toy dingo was handed over by the twins and  given the first-thought-of name of Arthur when a security checker  asked who or what it was. As it turned out the fellow had the same  name, a pure coincidence Simon assured him and quickly left. 

Arrival formalities completed, and thoughts back in the present, the  duo collected their baggage, grabbed a luggage trolley, and headed  for the Exit. An outside barrier kept visitors away from the doors and  as the duo turned left along the exit channel each looked around for  familiar faces. 

It wasn’t so much the faces, more so the five coolie hats, bobbing  up and down behind a droopy plastic palm twenty yards away, which  caught their attention. There they were, all present and not very  correct, some distance away from the crowd. Each wore a coolie hat and waved a furry Chinese dragon at the couple. 

‘Hooroo, darls…’ Glad called, beside herself with excitement as she  threw her red dragon in the air on spotting the couple. Pushing her  way past abandoned trolleys like a rugby forward on the charge she  flung herself at her firstborn, all but removing his scalp in a single  slice with her sharp-edged hat.  

Dodging the incoming attack with a nifty dip to the right Simon  managed to avoid her weapon of straw destruction. He grinned up at  his mum as she grabbed him in the usual reunion bear hug. The  crushing welcome continued for some time as Glad kept kissing his  cheeks while squeezing the air out of him.  

Perce meanwhile had politely removed his hat and with an  emphatic, ‘G’day, darls, wonderful to see youz again. Welcome to  Austrarlia,’ he kissed Sew Moi’s cheeks in welcome.  

Siew Moi was probably the only Singaporean never to have been to  Australia so it was an excited young lady who stood amidst the  family group. 

Oona, Kate and Kevin excitedly joined the welcome and having  checked that the baggage was all there the chattering party headed  out of the Terminal into the warm summer night. 

Glad nattered non-stop, as usual, while others in the Welcoming  Committee did a creditable job of keeping up with her. Simon smiled  and nodded, leaving his mum to release pent-up excitement, while  Siew Moi tried to keep up with the questions as best she could. 

‘Had a nice flight?’ ‘Get any prezzies from the crew?’ ‘Served  special Singapore wine, did they?’ ‘Meet anyone nice?’ ‘Been air  sick over lots o’ people, ‘ave yewz?’ She had a way about her, did  Glad. 

As the group wandered along Simon noticed the tag on the back of  Kevin’s coolie hat – ‘Tran Van Chip Phan, South Fremantle.  Snapper & Chips - $5.50. Salt & Vinegar - Free. Any bread luv? ’ - making a mental note to check the place out.

Glad noticed his hat inspection as they crossed the car park and  turned to Simon, ‘Thought the hats would be appropriate, yer know.  Make Sue feel at home an’ all that kind o’ thing.’ She winked  conspiratorially, pursing her lips and nodding in support of the  comment. Having certain trouble with Chinese names the family had  quickly renamed Siew Moi, Sue…not a problem. Darls… 

Simon reckoned Siew Moi had probably never even seen a coolie  hat, let alone worn one. Still, there was a first time for everything so  he reached out, removed Kevin’s hat and plonked it on her head. 

‘Simon, stop it. They’ll deport me if they see me in this,’ she  flapped him and the hat away. 

‘No one’s going to export you, ‘cos I won’t let them, darls! It suits  you, anyway. Very nice too…’ Glad settled any concerns. 

Perce had the People Mover at their house on the outskirts of  Fremantle in half an hour and asked Kevin to bring in the luggage as  the excited Glad led the way into the humble home. The request  produced a groan from the gangly teenager and a follow-up clap  across an already-black-and-blue ear from a passing Glad.  

‘Do as yer father asks, will yer?’ There were no more mutterings. 

Simon helped his brother with the cases, hold-alls and other  paraphernalia of which there seemed far too much for a ten-day visit.  As the party shuffled their way past the fly-screen door, then the  actual front door, and made their way down the hallway into the  house Glad moved quickly into the far kitchen to put the kettle on.  ‘Let’s have a nice welcoming cup o’ tea and some cake, eh?’ She  grinned at her flock as each peeled off in their own direction. 

‘Strewth mother, your first son comes home after nearly a year  away and all you can offer him is a tea bag! Get the beers out Kevin,  an’ the colder the better.’  

Perce smacked his lips and grinned at the visitors settling down in  the lounge as his second son appeared with three cans of almost-

freezing Swan beer. The boy waited for the response once he spotted  the number of cans. 

‘OK then. You can have one if you change that miserable look.’  The lad smiled and handed out the amber nectar.  

Siew Moi wandered into the kitchen and told Glad she, for one,  would love a cup of tea, which brought a satisfied smile from her  hostess. She then carried a tray of cups and saucers into the lounge  before settling onto the settee alongside Oona and Kate. 

The main room of the house was quite sizeable, as they are in old  detached solid brick homes, with a faded three-piece suite, non matching chairs, cluttered sideboard, a couple of mirrors here and  there and a telly on the far wall.  

Perce had his own television shop in nearby Fremantle and their set  was a flat screen offering. It was, though, not too large as he had  emphasised that he didn’t want the room ‘looking like weez at  bloody Hoyts Cinema in Freo.’ 

Kate put on some background music as Kevin wandered off in  search of more beer, the first round having vanished in record time.  Thirsty work all this travelling. 

‘I must say the bar service round here isn’t bad,’ Perce announced  as he checked the temperature of his latest can and opened it with an  appealing hiss. ‘Hear that sound, darls?’ He asked of Siew Moi who  nodded as she picked a cream biscuit to go with her cup of tea. The  visitor nodded. ‘That’s Aussie talk for ‘Welcome to Perth…’ 

‘So kind, many thanks…’ 

‘Dad’s hissed again…’ 

Kevin’s announcement generated another crack around the black  and blue ear. 

They all chatted for a good while before an alarm suddenly rang  out. ‘What on earth was that?’ Asked a rather mellow Perce. ‘Don’t tell me it’s time to get up, mother, ’cos we ’aven’t been to bloody  bed yet!’ 

Glad stood. ‘I set it Perce, coz if we don’t go to bed NOW we’ll be  wiped out for the whole of tomorrow, an’ I don’t want that. You for  one have got to work, and these young folk have things to do. Sue  hasn’t seen anything of Austrarlia and I don’t want her too tired to 

take it all in. So come on: bed everybody.’ The mistress of the house  had spoken and dimmed the lights in warning that total darkness  about to set in. 

Complaining groans from the girls and second son ensued as Perce  told Kevin to finish his beer and do as his mother instructed. Rather  surprisingly, he did, as the grog had been making him sleepy  anyway. 

A certain amount of bedroom shuffling had taken place to  accommodate the visitors. The moves had Siew Moi bunking in  Simon’s old room; Simon was taking over Kevin’s room while the  second son was in a foldaway bed out on the back verandah. 

Siew Moi said she hoped she hadn’t caused too many changes to  which Glad kissed her on the cheek and whispered, ‘Not a problem,  now get to bed, darls. An’ we’ll see yewz all in the morning…or in a  few hours…whichever comes first, eh?’ 

It was after ten before all seven residents were in evidence. The  summer sun was high in a clear blue sky and Glad and the girls were  busy making brunch in the bright kitchen. Perce passed out chilled  guava juice and offered Siew Moi a tour of the property as the  Singaporean took her first look at Australia in daylight. 

The front of the bull-nosed redbrick house stood out brightly against  a crazy paving path edged with summer flowers while the lawn  looked welcoming to bare feet. Weathered wooden fences outlined  the area as a couple of tall gum trees offered certain shade. Around  the back stood Perce’s pride and joy - the pigeon coop. Located at  the far end of the long garden, his four homing pigeons were happily  cooing away as the explorers arrived. 

‘Meet John, Paul, George and Ringo,’ he beamed as the birds  10 

busied themselves about the wooden hutch, each too busy to respond  to the ‘Hello’ from Siew Moi. They totally ignored the visitors until  food emerged from the cupboard below. Siew Moi was quite taken  with the lively quartet and happily fed the four suitably named  singers, who gurgled more than sang in response though. 

‘Now howz about a noice Aussie brunch on your first day in God’s  Own Country, Sue?’ Perce suggested as they strolled back to the rear  verandah. ‘Are you OK with steak and chips?’ 

‘For breakfast?’ 

‘It’s actually more of a breakfast-cum-lunch. If you’d rather have  something more Asian though, like kippers, just say so.’  

She looked puzzled. 

‘It’s fine with us, we have them too, ya know.’ He opened the  verandah screen door and grinned contentedly as the duo crossed  Kevin’s temporary abode and entered the kitchen. Things were extra  busy as the couple moved to take their seats around the plastic 

topped table. Oona passed Siew Moi a cup of tea as she settled next  to Simon wondering why Perce thought kippers were an Asian dish. 

The Singaporean girl expected a few surprises during the visit and  here came the first. She mentioned the offer to Simon, pointing out  she’d never tasted them anyway. 

‘Singaporeans mostly have porridge, eggs or rice for breakfast,’  Simon told his parents. Looking at Siew Moi he added,  ‘But…maybe for a change…a kipper or four, with their heads on of  course, would appeal?’ 

‘I’m fine with a nice juicy steak, Mrs Skeer,’ she grinned at Glad.  ‘Whatever you eat, I will.’ 

‘And some snaggers?’ Glad was poised over the spitting frying pan. ‘What’s a snagger?’

‘A sausage,’ Kate revealed, to which their guest nodded her thanks. 

‘Did you sit in Perce’s percolator down the garden, darls?’ Glad  was bubbling. 

‘Percolator?’  

‘Built it with his very own hands, every piece of wood and all them  seats insoide. Such a creative possum, when he wants to be, is Perce.  Looks lovely, if yewz ask me. I love sitting in there in a hot  afternoon with a good book an’ a flagon of wine.’ 

‘She means the pergola, dad built it.’ Simon quietly clarified,  unscrambling Glad’s linguistic misnomers, while the lady herself  scrambled fresh eggs. 

‘Oh, right. Yes, very nice, and I love the vines growing all over the  structure. You’ll be bottling your own wine soon.’  

Perce called for a fresh pot of tea while Kevin complained about his  hangover.  

‘Quiet, boy!’ Perce instructed, ‘You get a bloody hangover from a  packet of wine-gums, you little wimp. Just stop being a Nelly Queen  and shut up. Now go and feed the chucks, wud yer?’ 

‘Chucks?’ Siew Moi whispered to Simon. 

‘Chickens, darls,’ radar-ears Perce revealed as Kevin stayed put, not  wishing to return to cold food. ‘Weez get fresh eggs daily. You only  met a few of our feathered friends just now, there’s a chicken run in  the other corner. ‘I’ll introduce you to the occupants later and you  can tell them what you think of their produce.’ He was a happy  chappie this morning, surrounded by his chattering flock – inside  and out. 

As it was the final Saturday before Christmas the shop would be  busy so once the feast ended Perce headed off to work. His staff had  opened up at 8am to catch the early morning crowd and the boss man would appear mid-morning to help. Perce took the MPV as it was used for deliveries and departed with a quick, ‘Cheerio, an’ I’ll  see yewz all later then. Hooroo.’ 

Vehicle-wise his departure left a small runabout sitting in the drive.  Glad was its usual driver but the car had been designated for Simon  and Siew Moi’s use. Until they headed north the following weekend,  that was, as Perce had arranged a jeep suitable for Outback driving  from a local ‘Rent-A-Bomb’ car centre. All of which should suit  their long distance needs perfectly. 

Simon and Siew Moi finished their delights, said hello to the  chickens, showered and set off on their Explore Local Oz tour just  before noon. 

‘Dinner’s at seven, darls,’ Glad shouted as they drove off with a  wave. 

Simon took to his tour guide role quite well as they firstly did the  ‘City, Sights and Sounds’ of Fremantle. After tea in a quaint  restaurant on a hill overlooking the port they headed along the coast  road towards the state capital, Perth. 

The weather was glorious. Though hot, there was no humidity,  which made it noticeably different from Singapore, where it was  almost always sticky. Siew Moi loved the look of the beaches and  gushed about them. 

‘Then we’ll go to Cottesloe Beach tomorrow and see how you like  the surf up close.’ The plan was to take it easy during the week  running up to Christmas Day, the coming Friday, so a day at the  beach would provide a nice chance to relax. 

Mid-afternoon found them in Kings Park overlooking downtown  Perth and the Swan River. Siew Moi looked at the wide watery  expanse with wonder. It all looked so peaceful as angled yachts  sketched foamy white lines across placid blue water. 

‘Gosh, it’s beautiful. I’ve never seen so much space.’ ‘Nice, eh?’

‘It certainly is. I never imagined the river was so wide as well as  clear and clean and…like everything here…it’s all so empty.’ 

‘Seeing is believing,’ the young Aussie confirmed while steering  her towards an ice-cream van parked under towering palm trees just  inside the park’s entrance. They walked across freshly cut grass,  which smelt wonderful, and Siew Moi took her sandals off to get a  better feel of things after noticing everyone else was travelling  barefooted. 

They returned home around half past six and after quickly  freshening up joined Glad and Perce on the front porch, sundowners  in hand. The VIP visitor wore the bushman’s hat given by Kevin  when the family was in Singapore. 

‘Cheers,’ the younger couple saluted their hosts. ‘Cheers, darls,’ the parents echoed, raising their drinks. Father and  son guzzled ice-cold Emu Bitter while Glad and Siew Moi sipped  Singapore Sling cocktails. 

‘How I love this Sling, we tried one in the Rattles Hotel, yew know.  Very noice but not cheap…so we just had the one and left…’ 

She was such a world traveler, was Glad. 

Perce had arrived home not much before the tourists after what he  claimed had been the Busiest Saturday of the Year. ‘Satisfying,  bloody satisfying, though oime roite knackered, mother,’ was all he  would say. Which usually meant record sales. No wonder he was in  the mood for a few festive drinks. 

As they settled back into comfy rattan chairs, upholstered in wattle patterned kookaburra cushions, a gentle breeze blew across the lawn.  Occasionally it sent a fine spray their way from the spitting  sprinkler. 

‘The Fremantle Doctor isn’t doing much today,’ Perce remarked  between foamy delight.

‘Nah, dead roite he isn’t,’ Glad agreed as she took on a tropical  glow. 

‘Weak as water if you ask me,’ The father figure diagnosed. Supporting nods came from Simon and the pink Glad. 

Siew Moi wondered what had brought on the medical thoughts and  turned to Simon as she placed her Sling on the low glass table. 

‘How does your father know there’s a doctor in Fremantle who isn’t  busy, and how do you and your mum know he’s weak?’ She was  confused. ‘Does he have x-ray eyes into some surgery down the  road, or what?’ 

His parents heard the questions and both they and Simon started  laughing, so much so that Glad had to hold the low porch wall to  keep her from falling off her rocking chair. 

The visitor was more confused than amused. Turning to Simon with  some exasperation widening eyes demanded answers.