Not Alone

by Jenny Tomlin

Genres: General Fiction

Synopsis

Jenny Tomlin suffered horrendous neglect and physical and sexual abuse throughout her childhood at the hands of her father. This harrowing story is told in the number one bestseller Behind Closed Doors and the heartrending follow-up, Silent Sisters. Jenny has campaigned on behalf of fellow victims of abuse for charities Barnardo's and Refuge and she is a passionate believer in the absolute necessity of encouraging victims to speak out and others to listen to them and believe their stories. It is in this spirit that she has brought her own story together with other powerful, inspiring, horrifying and humbling tales of resilience, courage and sheer determination to escape victimhood and embrace a better future. These are the testimonies of Jenny's heroes.

Release date: February 16, 2012

Publisher: Hodder & Stoughton

Print pages: 304

Sample

When I wrote my first two books I wasn’t sure what the reaction from others – both those who knew me and those who didn’t – would be. Behind Closed Doors was my account of the physical, sexual and emotional abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of my father. Silent Sisters (written with my sister Kim) was about the abusive relationship I got involved in as a girl of eighteen with the man who was to become the father of my daughter Martine. It took me nine long years to break free from him, and along the way I endured some truly horrific mental, physical and sexual abuse.

For me, writing the books was a turning point. For many years I had carried all the pain from those tormented years inside me. I did a good job of concealing it, leading a pretty normal life and bringing up my kids. But inside I ached with the burden of the memories that I could never shake off and the grief I felt at the loss of childhood years which should have been carefree and happy but which were instead filled with fear and dread.

Deciding to write down all that had happened, and to go public with those memories, was a huge step. It’s not easy to share publicly your deepest shame and hurt but for me it proved to be an incredibly healing and positive experience, and that was largely because of the response I got. I had decided to do it no matter what and had braced myself for disapproval or rejection. But in fact what happened was quite the opposite. Literally hundreds of people, both those I knew and those I didn’t, got in touch to say how much the books had meant to them and how brave they thought I was to tell my story. I was deeply touched and felt delighted at this generous and welcoming response. My books had, it seemed, touched a deep chord with many people, folk who let me know how much they appreciated the honest telling of a painful but ultimately uplifting story.

Many of those who got in touch had their own stories to tell. I was astonished at the number of people who said ‘It happened to me, too.’ They also had hidden away their tales of suffering and abuse, often for many years. It seemed that I had opened up a route out of secrecy for others, many of whom wanted to tell me their stories. Some of them wanted to find their own way of going public too, in order to help lift the oppressive cloak of secrecy that keeps so much abuse hidden from view. They felt, as I do, that speaking out is one of the most powerful tools that survivors have for their own recovery, for helping others and for informing society at large about just how much abuse really does go on. Most of all, when you speak out you realise that you are not alone. The majority of people who are abused feel terribly isolated, as though they are the only sufferer in the world – I know I did. But in sharing the truth, you discover that many others have had similar experiences, and you are able to offer each other support, comfort, advice and even laughter.

It was when I was thinking about some of the accounts I had heard and how brave so many abuse survivors are that I decided to write this book. I wanted to tell the stories of some of the people I have met – both before my books were written and after – who suffered abuse and went on to recover and lead lives full of hope and achievement.

One thing I have learned is that abuse can happen to anyone, both men and women, from any background and at any age. It isn’t about being a victim, attracting trouble or being in the wrong place. There was absolutely nothing that these survivors could have done to avoid what happened to them. Life throws the unexpected into our path all the time and although all who experience this trauma ask themselves ‘Why me?’ there is often simply no answer.

Abuse can take many forms, but in the majority of cases I have come across it is either wholly or at least partly sexual. For this reason, most of the personal accounts that I have included – though not all – are about sexual maltreatment. For me the most important aspect of all these stories is how the survivors coped. In talking to the people whose tales I have told I wanted to know what got them through, what gave them hope and what helped them to keep the abuse in perspective – as a part of their existence but not the whole of it. In other words, how did they stop what happened to them from taking over their lives?

The answers I got were fascinating and endlessly varied. For some, counselling helped. For others moving on meant putting what had happened behind them, in every way possible, and making a new start. Then there were those who relied on the support of friends and family, or who went on to help other survivors and so gave new meaning to their lives.

In many cases I could relate to these stories from my own experience. Because I suffered abuse as a child and as an adult too, I understood what many of the people I had spoken to had been through. But of course there were those who had tales completely different from my own. From all these people, both those I identified with and those whose experience I hadn’t shared, I learned a huge amount. I am deeply grateful to all the people whose stories I have told here – and to the many more I have spoken to – for the insight, humour, courage and wisdom that they have shown and for the huge amount that they have taught me.

Rachel and I have been friends for over twelve years and we know each other well. We’ve shared many intimate chats about life and love, so I thought I knew Rachel better than most. But one day she told me a story which made me realise that even when you grow close to someone some things can still be too painful to speak about.

Rachel’s story touched a chord with me because it shows how vulnerable single parents can be. Like Rachel, I brought up my daughter alone for a number of years and I know only too well how much a mother in that situation longs for company, support and a man to love – and how easy it is to get it wrong.

As a single mum I was always very conscious that if I ever met a new man he had to be right for both of us – Martine as well as me. I was fiercely protective of her and was determined that I wouldn’t let her meet anyone I dated until I was sure he was a good person, ready to cherish and be totally committed to us. But I know, too, how hard it can be to spot this knight in shining armour. Single mums have often been through the relationship wringer and come out the other side asking themselves ‘Who would want me?’ So if someone appears keen and loving, it’s easy to follow your heart and not your head and think ‘This is it.’ It’s all too easy for a man who wants to take advantage of a single mum to win her over – especially if he seems willing to take on her child.

For Rachel all of these things were true. After a painful end to her marriage she was vulnerable and longed to be able to love and trust someone again.

It was while reading in Silent Sisters about the nine years that I spent trying to escape from my violent boyfriend Keith that she decided to tell me her own story. Knowing that someone else has made the same mistakes and fallen for an apparently kind and caring man, only to learn that he was anything but, helps a lot. At the time you think you’re the only fool in the world. Rachel did, and I know I did too.

I had met Keith when I was eighteen and still very innocent. I thought he was wonderful and fell in love very quickly. He was tall, dark, charming and very attentive and he made me feel special. By the time he began to be violent and possessive towards me I was hooked and found it impossible to break off the relationship. After every time he hurt or frightened me he’d promise to change and would beg for forgiveness, and for a long time I believed him and wanted to give him another chance.

Once our daughter Martine was born, I wanted more than ever to make the relationship work. I hoped and believed that fatherhood would change Keith and that he’d become more responsible and caring. But over time Keith only became worse. By the time Martine was a toddler he was terrorising and haunting me. Wherever I went he managed to find me, and he subjected me to cruel and violent sexual attacks and rapes which left me battered, crushed and fearful. Many times I ended up in hospital with horrific injuries including broken bones and cigarette burns.

It took me nine years to eventually free myself from Keith, with the help of a court order banning him from contacting me and Martine. But it took me a lot longer to feel safe and to really believe that we were rid of him. Because of what I went though I understand all too well what it’s like to realise that the partner you love has another side to them, a side which is vicious and cruel. And I know how hard it can be to break free of someone like this. Just as you’re determined to escape the monster, he switches back into the charming, loving man you fell for.

After reading my story Rachel must have known that I would understand hers.

Rachel began her tale in the mid-1980s when she had just returned from a spell living abroad.

She had married young and her husband had been posted to the Middle East to work in the oil business. Rachel had travelled with him and set up home for them and their small daughter, but things hadn’t worked out. Rachel missed home and her friends and family: things became strained between her and her husband and eventually she decided to return to the UK. Devastated by the break-up of the marriage, she immersed herself in setting up home and starting a business. It was tough but, with her mother to look after her three-year-old daughter while she worked, Rachel managed.

She was a people person and loved organising, so it seemed a perfect notion when she decided to set up an events company. Knowing Rachel as I do, it was no surprise to me that, with her energy and determination, the business took off. Soon she was busy travelling and organising large corporate events as well as weddings and public service functions. From here Rachel takes up the story.

I was thrilled that my business was going so well. And when the local constabulary in my home area decided to put on a huge disco night for all their employees they came to me for help and I was delighted. I worked on it with a young policewoman called Paula, and over the months it took to set up the event we became very friendly. Paula would often call in to see me and we even went out socially together. This was great for me, as I’d had no social life since I had come back to the UK. I’d missed going out, but after my marriage ended my confidence took a dive and mostly I avoided social situations. So it was nice to have a girlfriend to go out for a drink and a chat with.

I began to feel I was getting my life back and everything seemed so good – I had a home, my mum to help me, a successful business and now a good friend too.

The night of the disco arrived and I was there early to ensure that everything would go without a hitch. As I checked on all the arrangements and made sure that everyone knew what they had to do, I noticed a young man staring at me intently. He approached and introduced himself as Simon, a detective inspector. I was too busy to take a lot of notice, but later in the evening he asked me to dance and I was really flattered – he was fun and easy to talk to. In fact we clicked immediately.

Simon was everything I liked in a man: tall and handsome, with the most amazing green eyes I had ever seen. I was bowled over that he was interested in me. After the break-up of my marriage I had convinced myself that I would be alone for a long time. I had just been getting on with work and caring for my daughter – I wasn’t even thinking about finding a man. Funny how these things can happen when you least expect them.

Rightly or wrongly, Simon and I ended up in bed together on that first night. I surprised myself – it was totally out of character for me. If anything, I’ve always been a bit of a prude. But after so long without a man being interested in me I was swept away by his persuasive charm.

The following weeks were amazing. I was head over heels in love, and we spent as much time together as work would allow. My mother was so happy that I had found someone; she was brilliant and more than happy to have my daughter with her so that I could go out with Simon.

It didn’t occur to me to doubt anything that Simon told me. So when he explained that he was an undercover officer and that he preferred to keep things between us discreet and not to make our relationship public, I accepted it willingly, believing I was supporting him in a difficult job.

Of course, I told Paula about my new man. I thought she’d know him and I was surprised when she said that she didn’t. She warned me to be careful, but I laughed. I assumed that Paula didn’t know about him because he worked undercover and that she was just being silly.

I thought long and hard about introducing Simon to my mother and my daughter, as I really wanted to be sure our relationship would last. But Simon convinced me that it would: he promised that we’d make a home together and said how much he longed to have a child. He always asked about my daughter and after a few weeks I felt secure enough with him to let him meet her.

For the meeting, we decided on an outing to the park for a picnic. I was excited and nervous at the same time. Everyone seemed to get on and things were going well until my daughter started to get upset. I didn’t want her to go on the slide as it was too big for her and I knew she would hurt herself. But, of course, she wanted to have a go. Suddenly, out of the blue, Simon grabbed her arm roughly and told her to be quiet. I was taken aback; it was the first time I had seen him angry. My mother looked at me and then took my daughter and led her away. There was an uneasy silence – I didn’t know what to say. Simon apologised and said he’d just been over-keen to back me up, so in the end I didn’t say anything. I told myself it was out of character for him and a one-off. But, looking back, I can see that his behaviour that day sowed a seed of doubt in my mind.

I decided that perhaps it had been a little too soon to introduce Simon to my family. A few days passed and Simon seemed as loving as ever, so I put the incident in the park to the back of my mind. And as the next weekend approached, Simon told me that he had something special planned.

That night, as I was getting ready, Paula called round. She told me that she could find no record of Simon being in the police force and she was worried. I argued with her, telling her that was to be expected. After all, how could he work undercover if everyone knew him? Paula told me he would still have been on record, even as an undercover officer. But I was sure there was a good explanation. I remember resting my hand on hers, thanking her for her concern and assuring her that everything was fine and that Simon was the one for me.

Of course, I should have listened to her doubts – and to my own – after what had happened in the park. But I was so happy to have found someone: I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him, so I refused to allow myself to see that something might be wrong.

That night Simon had arranged for us to go with other friends of his to a club. I was thrilled to be going and was really looking forward to it. Simon picked me up and told me that I looked great. He introduced me to his friends and we headed for the club.

When we arrived it was packed and as we made our way through the crowds I noticed a girl looking at Simon. Later in the evening I went to the ladies’ and the same girl was there.

She looked agitated and was biting her nails. She approached me and told me that she had been Simon’s previous girlfriend and that he wasn’t what h. . .