Legally Correct Fairy Tales

by David Fisher

Genres: General Fiction

Synopsis

This hilarious spoof on all the old classic fairy tales has a decidedly legal squint to it as for example when Prince Charming is prosecuted for sexual abuse after forcing several damsels to try on a glass slipper to satisfy his foot fetish.

Release date: December 19, 2009

Publisher: Grand Central Publishing

Print pages: 128

Sample

The Plaintiffs, Jack “Doe” and Jill “Doe,” both minors, do here-by allege that (1) they suffered grievous and permanent injuries
when a steel bucket manufactured by the Defendant, Imperial Bucket Corporation, proved to be of unsafe design and manufacture,
and without proper safety guards, so as to allow it to be operated in an unsafe manner by these minors; and (2) the Defendant
is guilty of such gross product liability as to be responsible for these injuries and therefore should compensate Jack and
Jill for a sum greater than five million dollars ($5,000,000).


Plaintiffs were both completely untrained in the proper operation of the Defendant’s bucket, hereinafter referred to as “the
pail,” when they attempted to convey such pail up a steep incline, hereinafter referred to as “the hill.”


The pail manufactured by the Defendant was made of steel and weighed 1.6 pounds when empty. It was designed to be carried
by a rounded metal handle, or “bail.” Depending on the material used to fill the pail, the weight of such pail could vary
between 1.9 pounds (cotton) and 61.0 pounds (pig iron). Unless one received proper instruction in the use of this pail, it
could easily be overloaded, causing it to become unstable.


The pail included no directions for safe use, no warnings of any kind about the potential danger of the pail, and no safety
devices to protect individuals from suffering injuries when using this pail. The pail could be operated by minors who could
not possibly be aware of the inherent dangers in the defective design of this pail and would therefore be subject to injury.


Jack and Jill will testify that they were able to move forward in a skipping (def.: proceed with leaps and bounds) manner
up the hill, holding on to the pail, which swung precariously between them. Upon reaching the top of said hill, they proceeded
to fill the pail with a clear liquid, hereinafter referred to as “water.” The weight of the water will be affixed through
laboratory testing. What they could not possibly have known is that the defective design of this pail permitted it to be filled
with water to an unsafe level.


As Plaintiffs began carrying the now hazardous steel pail down the side of said hill, the water began shifting in the pail,
causing the weight to be unevenly distributed. While this motion, known scientifically as “sloshing,” did cause a partial
reduction in the contents of the pail, this had the effect of causing an additional unbalancing of the pail. Jack and Jill,
neither being experienced in the trade of carrying a pail of water down a steep incline, suffered extreme difficulty in maintaining
control over the pail. In their effort to retain control of the pail, both Jack and Jill, individually and simultaneously,
did lose their balance owing entirely to the instability of the pail.


According to police reports, Jack apparently lost control of the pail and fell down the hill. Jill, a young female weighing
approximately forty-eight pounds, could not possibly have been expected to retain control of the pail without assistance and
immediately came tumbling after.


By reason of the foregoing and by reason of the Defendant’s negligence, Plaintiffs were severely bruised, injured, and wounded;
suffered, and still suffer, and will continue to suffer for some time to come, physical and mental pain and great bodily injuries.
Specifically, Jack broke his crown in three different places in addition to fracturing his ribs and right arm. Jill sustained
bruises and contusions to her legs, ankles, and wrist. Some of these injuries may well be of a permanent nature so as to affect
the lives of these minors forever and one day.


The Imperial Bucket Corporation, being aware for an indeterminate time that the bucket they callously manufactured and offered
to market had serious design flaws and under certain conditions could cause severe injury, nevertheless did continue to manufacture
and market such a bucket to the public. They failed to take the necessary steps to inform the public of the potential for
injury inherent in the use of their product. That they did so, and continue to do so, indicates a disregard for the public
welfare, for which punitive damages might be deemed appropriate.


Until such design problems as noted are corrected, the Imperial Bucket Corporation should be enjoined from offering their
product for sale to the public. They should also be required to recall all such defective buckets in existence and make appropriate
restitution and repairs. All persons past and present in possession of this dangerous product should receive notice that under
certain conditions, even with proper precautions, use of this product might result in permanent, disabling injury. Minors should be prevented from purchasing or possessing
this product without proper parental supervision.


Due to use of this defective product, Jack “Doe” and Jill “Doe,” minors, have suffered irreparable injury and must be compensated
in line with the substantial pain and suffering they have endured.


In this action, the Plaintiff, Donald Tailor, by trade a tailor of fine garments, hereby alleges and swears that he was employed
by agents of the Emperor to create for the Emperor a suit of new clothes. This suit of clothes was to be worn by the Emperor
when he led the annual parade down Emperor’s Way on Emperor’s Day. Tailor Tailor asserts that he was told to use only the
finest materials, cut to measurements provided by Palace officials, and to create a design tradi. . .