How to Profit From the Coming Rapture

by Steve Levy, Evie Levy

Genres: Humor & Satire

Synopsis

Are the end times near? Is the Rapture really just around the corner? Could Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson possibly be right? About 1 billion people among us believe, yes, absolutely.

And that means one thing: investment opportunities!

For those who are not as expertly versed in the Book of Revelation, Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, authors of the bestselling Yiddish with Dick and Jane, helpfully offer both illumination and advice: What exactly is the Rapture, anyway? How is it different from the Tribulation? Who are the Antichrist, the Four Horsemen, and the 144,000 male virgins, and what do they want? And, most important, how can I make money during the 7 years of societal breakdown before Armaggedon?

Taking the familiar form of a how-to investment guide, How to Profit From the Coming Rapture instructs those readers who will certainly be left behind (Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, less ardent Protestants, and many more) on how to exploit the inevitable demise of the world in order to make a tidy profit. Sure, the rivers and seas will run with blood, locusts will swarm, mountains will move all over the place, and famine will strike. But for the five billion of us left behind, the post-Rapture world will be a time of even more unique investment opportunities.

Release date: November 3, 2008

Publisher: Little, Brown and Company

Print pages: 224

Sample

Foreword

The Rapture is coming.

The Tribulation, a horrifying nightmare of bloodshed and destruction, will follow.

And that means one thing: investment opportunities!

When you hear “End Times,” think “Good Times.” It’s as though these two events—the sudden flying-up to Heaven of all Fundamentalist Dispensationalist Premillennialist Evangelical Christians, and the seven-year period of travail and disaster that climaxes in the Battle of Armageddon and the Second Coming of Jesus Christ—were specifically created not only to reward a specific Christian sect with an early ticket to Paradise, but to provide the rest of us (i.e., everybody else on Earth) with a big truckload of moneymaking possibilities, if we survive. And we can’t wait to share them with you.

In the pages that follow, we’ll walk you through the many dramatic events and spectacular disasters that God has in store for those of us “left behind,” from the early appearances of false messiahs to the final triumph, when Christ rules on Earth for a thousand years and Satan is cast into the Lake of Fire. And we’ll show you how to exploit those events to attain a wide range of financial goals.

You’ll learn how to earn extra cash—and exactly what kinds of supplies and weapons to spend it on. We’ll teach you how to start your own business and make it work—even as your customer base (anyone who wasn’t Raptured away) is dying off by the millions. We’ll give you the facts and the strategies to weather the ups and downs of the markets and the rise and fall and re-rise and re-fall of the Antichrist.

When people ask us if we “believe in” the Rapture, we answer: How can you not, when tens of millions of our countrymen are sure it’s coming, and a 2004 Newsweek poll found that 55 percent of Americans believed that “before the world ends, the religiously faithful will be saved and taken to Heaven”?

So, yes, we think the Rapture could take place at any moment. But are we prepared for it? Having accepted these facts, have we also accepted Christ as our personal savior, so as to be “saved” and ready to go when the skies open and He appears?

Our answer may disappoint some, but here it is:

We haven’t. We can’t. We’re Jews.

Don’t get us wrong. We believe that Jesus was a nice young man who said a lot of important things. But we just don’t believe He was the Messiah, and so we simply cannot convince ourselves to worship Him in the way we’re told we should.

Of course, this means that when the Rapture happens we’ll remain here on Earth, in our bodies, as we normally are. But we won’t be alone. Billions of others (and not just Jews) all around the world will be left behind, too (at least for a while), to witness and take part in (and, sadly, in some cases, get horribly killed by) one of the most exciting and fascinating eras in human history. It will be a time of turmoil, and a time of bloodshed, and a time of natural catastrophe such as the world has never seen. But it will also be a time filled with potential, exploding with unique opportunities for the smart investor and the bold entrepreneur.

That is why we have written this book.

Steve and Evie LevyBeverly Hills, CA

How to Read This Book

We have organized How to Profit from the Coming Rapture chronologically, from the earliest signs proving that the End Times are here, or almost here, through the Seal, Trumpet, and Bowl Judgments, to the Second Coming and the Millennium, and concluding with the New Heaven and the New Earth—and we want to help you profit from every minute of it.

For this reason, and because our financial advice will be predicated on events that will, without question, happen in the future, we urge you to read this book in order, front to back, and not “jump around.” In this way, not only will you be introduced to our investment and entrepreneurial tips in the proper sequence, but you’ll also experience the mounting drama of a chapter-by-chapter synopsis of the events of the Rapture and the Tribulation.

Each chapter will include these sections:

•   A DESCRIPTION OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN AND WHEN, according to the Bible

•   SUPPORTING BIBLICAL DOCUMENTATION, which will be cited and, in some cases, quoted

•   AN EXPLANATION OF THE EVENT, to place it in the context of what has come before and to elaborate on its details

•   OUR FINANCIAL ADVICE for that particular event or time period, under the heading “FOR NOW.” We often follow these with recommendations on how to take advantage of future developments (the certainty of which is never in doubt) under the heading “FOR LATER.” In both categories we’ll suggest entrepreneurial ventures you can start yourself, under the heading “MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.”

Bear in mind that when we describe developments that “will occur in the future,” we mean literally that. We won’t be referring to things that “could” happen. We won’t be talking about “trends” or “possible outcomes.” These things are going to happen, period.

How can we be so sure? Because the Bible says so. Thanks to the Good Book, we know the precise eventsthat are going to take place from now until “the end of the world.”

What we won’t know are the exact casualty statistics.

It is part of our Heavenly Father’s marvelous plan that billions of us be brutally slaughtered. The “body count” will be steadily changing, and it may be hard to remember at any given moment how many people are left alive—if any! But the Bible is frustratingly inexact in its tally of the living and the dead, and it doesn’t take into account the number of people who will be born during the seven years under discussion.

Still, we will occasionally try to give a rough estimate of the changes in the world’s population. We start by calculating how many people will experience the Rapture and be removed from the Earth prior to the Tribulation. (We address the contentious issue of whether or not the Rapture really will be “prior” to the Tribulation later in the text.)

We begin with the widely agreed-on estimate that the Earth’s population as of the end of 2007 was around 6.6 billion. From this Web site: http://www.gcts.edu/ockenga/globalchristianity/resources.php . . . we get the total number of Christians (or, at least, “church members”) worldwide as of mid-2007: 2,077,909,000.

From a survey conducted in ten countries (in North America, Latin America, Africa, and Asia) by the Pew Forum in 2006 on world Pentecostalism here: http://pewforum.org/publications/surveys/pentecostals-06.pdf . . . we get the percentage of “Christians” who answered “yes” to the question “Do you believe in the Rapture?” The average of those ten figures is 70 percent, from which we’re entitled to estimate that 70 percent of world Christians believe in the Rapture. (Sixty-three percent of all American Christians do.)

We assume, since it’s none of our business to judge people’s sincerity of faith, that those who believe in the Rapture will, in fact, be Raptured. Thus, the number of people who will fly to join Jesus in the sky when the Rapture occurs is 2,077,909,000 3 70% = 1,454,536,300 . . . or around 22 percent of the world population.

That leaves a whopping 5,145,463,700 people still on Earth to experience the Tribulation. Odds are that you and your family will be among them. Keep reading, and you’ll be perfectly prepared to take advantage of these events, to assure the financial security of yourself and your loved ones from the moment the Rapture occurs to that glorious time, one thousand and seven years later, when God leaves Heaven and moves down to live with man on Earth.

Rapture-Tribulation Ration Time Line



CHAPTER 1

Israel Reestablished

(And a Few Notes on Financial Terms)

The Rapture can occur at any time. The subsequent Tribulation, however, cannot begin until the Antichrist (i.e., Satan’s representative on Earth, about whom more later) signs a pact with Israel. Thus, in order for there to be a Tribulation—and the Apocalypse, the Second Coming, and the Millennium—there has to be a State of Israel. No wonder Christians the world over rejoiced in 1948.

The Tribulation officially begins when the Antichrist, as head of a world government, makes a seven-year covenant with Israel. That is why the creation of the State of Israel in 1948 was so wonderful for Christians as well as Jews. It set the stage for everything to come and fulfilled various prophecies, including Zephaniah 2:1–2, Ezekiel 38–39, and Isaiah 11:11–12.

Once Israel came into existence, Fundamentalist Dispensationalist Premillennialist Evangelical Christians the world over brought new vigor to a tireless vigil that continues to this very day, waiting and hoping for the end of the world. Who wouldn’t, when you expect it to bring eternal salvation?

We’re kind of looking forward to it, too, because we’ve got lots of financial plans ready to go once the seven-year Tribulation clock starts ticking. But before we can put them into action, we (and you) will have to rethink certain basic financial concepts. Here are the most important:

1. Time Frame: Normally, in financial matters, “long-term” refers to periods of time measurable in decades, and “short-term” investments usually last between one and five years. Seven years after the Tribulation begins, however, all investments will be over and most of the human race will be dead. And no one except readers of this book will know this is happening. (The Fundamentalist Christians who would know it will be in Heaven by then.) Therefore, by drastically compressing your time sense, you can obtain a significant advantage over the market.

That’s why, once the Rapture happens, we want you to fine-tune your vocabulary so that

•   “long-term” refers to anything lasting more than one year;

•   “medium-term” refers to anything lasting between two and twelve months;

•   “the near future” refers to anything taking place from the day after tomorrow until about two months later;

•   “short-term” refers to anything starting now-ish and lasting until the end of the day, or maybe into the next morning on the West Coast;

•   “immediately” refers to anything that as soon as you say “immediately” is twenty minutes too late, so never mind.

Result? While everyone else continues the habit of talking about “realizing steady growth over the ensuing ten-year cycle,” you’ll be talking about “getting a bunch of money on Thursday.” And making it happen!

2. “Rainy-Day” Liquid Reserve: Today, many financial advisers suggest keeping enough money to cover about eight months’ worth of expenses in a readily available form, usually a money market fund. This is commonly called a “rainy-day reserve,” which is probably why such cash is referred to as being “liquid.”

However, during the Tribulation, cash will be worth less and less, and liquids themselves will become more valuable. So use your reserve of liquid cash now to prepare your cache of reserved liquids (bottled water, soft drinks, alcoholic beverages, fruit juice, et cetera) for later.

3. Life Insurance: Most people don’t need life insurance until they either get married or have children, and by then they can’t afford to die. Bear in mind that once the Rapture takes place, the odds of anyone dying at any given time will be far less than the odds of almost everyone dying at once. Therefore, we recommend that you buy all the coverage you can afford. On everyone you know.

Shop around. Compare whole life for a limited term versus term for a whole lifetime. That way, if you survive, you’ll be at least a little more glad to be alive.

4. Wills: Normally, a will is something carefully compiled in a spirit of solemnity and serious thought and only changed sporadically, over decades. This, of course, is because the prospect of our death feels both unpleasant to think about and remote in terms of its likelihood.

During the Tribulation, however, death—of your loved ones, your heirs and assigns, and even yourself—will be a daily part of life. Therefore, once the Rapture takes place, learn to think of your will not as a monumental document to be revised sporadically, if at all, but as a kind of ongoing, posthumous “to do” list. Post it on the refrigerator with attractive or whimsical magnets. Maybe clip a colorful, fun felt-tip pen to it for added convenience. Revisit it every day or even every few hours; modify and revise and “touch it up” to keep pace with your changing moods and circumstances. Consider employing a notary public in your home.

If you take the advice in the pages that follow, your estate will increase even as your list of people to leave it to is shrinking. Get into the habit of updating your will today and eventually you, or whoever you love and is left alive after you, will be glad you did.

CHAPTER 2

Signs of the (End) Times

We know the Last Days are coming, if not actually here, because events around the world today have been predicted by various books of the Bible in remarkable detail.

The following chart lists some prescient p. . .